A Woman’s Lot In Life Is To Constantly Replenish Her Panties

Like every other woman alive, I have a wakeup routine that hasn’t changed for years. Silence my alarm. Put on my glasses. Refresh the “Mail” tab on my iPad. Slide slippers on my feet. Shuffle over to one of my dressers. Peer into my panty drawer. Toss aside the pink leopard print thong that screams “sexy” but rides uncomfortably up my butt. Ignore the too tight ruffly pink panties that squeeze me like a sausage. Hide the thick cotton, floral granny panties at the way bottom of the pile. Sigh audibly. Think to myself: “I need to buy more panties, again.” It’s highly possible I’m a panty-shopping idiot and need a “What Not To Wear” intervention. (Clinton, call me!) I can divvy up my panties into three categories and the various problems I have with them:

  • Period panties (30 percent)
  • Sexy panties that aren’t actually comfortable to wear outside of bed (30 percent)
  • Everything else (40 percent, but feels like 4 percent)

Period panties are a necessary evil. No matter what tampons or pads I use, I’m always ruining cotton panties. I swear, I’m as bad about staining panties as Kate is about drinking out of a martini glass. The problem with period panties, though, is that at some point you really just have to admit defeat by the stains and toss them in the trash. Or, in the case of some pastel granny panty boxers I once idiotically bought from a K-mart, I throw them away because they’re too mortifyingly ugly.

Then there’s the sexy panties — more specifically, Lost Sexy Panties. I seem to leave panties behind a lot when I hook up at a guy’s apartment. I have a personal aversion to wearing underwear that I’ve come on, or panties that he’s excreted sex liquids on. So I leave them behind. If this is someone I’m regularly dating, I toss them in his laundry pile and hope I’ll see them again someday. I always fully intend to get them back, mind you. I’m not a let’s-hook-up-and-never-speak-again kind of girl. But sometimes life gets in the way and those sexy panties are lost forever.

One pair of sexy panties befell a different fate. A few months ago, I hooked up with a gentleman who liked it rough in the bedroom. I was bending over his bed, feeling his fingers touch my lower back and the top of my butt, and all of a sudden …. riiiiiiip. Yes, this guy ripped a pair of my panties off! Boy, was I pissed. They may have “only” been cotton with lace fringe, but I bought them at a special lingerie store. Not only was it rude that he ripped my panties without asking me first, I was annoyed a $15 pair of panties were now gone.

Everything Else Panties are an ever diminishing category, mostly because Everything Else Panties can easily become period panties or Sexy Lost Panties by accident. And that’s exactly how I get in predicaments like this: a drawer full of panties, many of which, on any given morning, I don’t actually want to wear.

The other night I couldn’t take it anymore and I hightailed it to H&M, vowing to stock up panties that would be cute enough to wear in front of a dude, but also not so expensive I can’t bleed on them. In other words, I didn’t want panties that fell firmly in either the Period or Sexy categories. What luck! H&M had a whole mess of silky stretchy panties, three for $15. I grabbed a bunch.

By today I’ve already worn them all. Sigh. I guess its time to do more laundry.