Dear Wendy: “We Don’t Have Sex Anymore”
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. We used to have sex several times a day, but over the past six months it has decreased significantly. We are in an intense graduate program, so last semester both of us were quite swamped with work and lost our libidos. After the stress of the semester was over, things picked up again over winter break. But now, this semester, neither of us has the excuse of a “ton of work” anymore. I have asked him why we don’t have sex (at this point, it has been about three weeks) and his response is “because you’ve been mean to me recently, and when you’re mean it does not make me attracted to you.” That’s fine. I can work on being a nicer person and better girlfriend. But I feel like it’s a vicious cycle — I’m mean, so he doesn’t want to bang. But then I’m nice and since we are still not banging I freak out and get worried and thus become mean again. So my question: should I shut up and work on being nicer instead of expecting our sex life to turn around on its own? — Mean Girl
Yes, of course, you need to work on being nicer and addressing the underlying issues in your relationship. Lack of sex is always a symptom of something else. If you actually know what that something else is, then you’d be a fool not to address/work on that something else! And you guys could probably benefit from some romance. If you’ve been working so hard, treat yourselves to a romantic night out after a week of exams. Go on a little weekend getaway if you can afford to. If you want some cheap date ideas, read this post. Get the spark back and start treating each other nicer and the sex with follow.
I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months now. We love each other very much. My family absolutely loves him and he comes over all the time even though he lives a long way away. (We met in college.) But here is the problem: his parents refuse to meet me. They apparently ignore the fact that we are even dating. What can I do to get them to at least give me a chance? I do not think that my boyfriend is assertive enough in talking to his parents about it because they get so mad when he does. Please help; I don’t know what to think about all of this. — Parent Trap
First of all, it’s important to remember that you’re in a relationship with your boyfriend, not his parents. It’s great that he gets along so well with your parents, but maybe he simply isn’t as close to his family as you are to yours. You also need to remember that whatever reasons his parents have for not meeting you likely have nothing to do with you. How could they? They don’t know you! But, if you two are to have a future together, it’s understandable that you’d want to have some sort of relationship with his family, however limited it might be. So, you need to ask your boyfriend why they don’t want to meet you. Are you a different race or religion and are they racist? Do they disapprove in general of their son being in a relationship? Maybe they’re super traditional and prefer to introduce their son to a young woman themselves.
You may not be able to change any of these things, but at least knowing a reason will give you some peace of mind that the problem isn’t with YOU. And once you know what the problem is, you’ll have a better idea how to handle things. You’ll know if there’s any leeway and if, in time, they may be more receptive to meeting you. In the meantime, try not to worry about them too much and be glad you’re old enough that neither of you need parents’ permission or approval to date one another.
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