Something no one tells you about sex? A good romp in the sack can be dangerous. No, I’m not talking about potentially deadly sexually transmitted diseases and infections, like HIV. (Although those are dangerous too, obviously.) I’m talking about the rug burn, pulled hair, and the overzealous nipple bite (ow!) that every woman needs to watch out for. And no, a hickey doesn’t count as an “injury.”
- Sheet burn and/or rug burn: If there was ever a reason to own high thread count sheets it is this: sheet burn is the pits. Plus, nothing quite so obviously says “I’ve been f**king” like red marks on your elbows or knees. And for heaven’s sake, woman, lay a pillow on the floor if you’re going to give your man a blowjob. There’s no reason your bare knees need to be pressing against the floor.
- “I’m-not-wet-enough” abrasions: The most pernicious of all sex injuries are not necessarily tied to your lack of arousal. Some women just don’t produce as much wetness naturally, but this is why lube was invented, folks. (I recommend Booty Parlor Add Magic Lubriant.) Rest assured, your lady parts need not suffer ever again.
- Spank marks and bruising: A gentle spanking may leave a cheeky redness and a harder spanking surely will do so (and that’ll probably arouse your dude all over again to look at!). But if your dom-ing dude is adept enough at spanking safely and he’s walloping you really hard with his hand or a belt, you may just end up with some bruises. These will be painful for a day or two … yet deliciously pleasurable. Just don’t make the same mistake Sarah Silverman did and accidentally let your mother see it. Nothing sounds more uncomfortable than explaining to the woman who gave you life that you’re dating a man that spanks you.
- The too-hard nipple bite: Some guys just get too excited administering a lovebite. Watch your chompers, buddy. I need that for a baby someday.
- Cracked lips on your inner mouth: Planning on going downtown? Make sure the inner corners of your lips have been amply lip balmed or else it can be hella painful to open it wide for long periods of time. You’ve got to keep that thing elastic, girl!
- “I-didn’t-ask-for-that!” hair pulling, face slapping, choking, or other kinky behavior: All kinky behavior should be forewarned in some way; nothing kills the moment faster than someone who stops and hisses, “Why the hell did you just do that? Get out of my bed, you pig!” It’s best to gauge a partner’s comfort level before you visit Club Kink — a lovely concept called getting consent. First, you can clear it by the person as something that’s actually arousing, but secondly so he or she is aware the hand hovering near their face means a slap (is coming soon. Let’s be honest: sometimes a guy gets carried away and you get a hair-pulling in the heat of the moment that you weren’t expecting. Nip this behavior in the bud if you’re really not digging it. And if you are digging it? Ask him to give you some goddamn warning first.
- Interior vaginal bruising: Our very own Amelia survived a coccyx bruising at the hands — er, wang — of a dude she hooked up with. What is the coccyx, you ask? It’s your tailbone and yes, it can be hurt during sex. See, I told you sex was dangerous!
- Pulled muscles from trying positions you aren’t flexible enough to do: Cool it, yoga queen. Just because you can do the flying crow pose on the mat doesn’t mean you should try it in bed. Put down the Kama Sutra and revisit the pleasures of the missionary position or doggy style. Or think of some plausible lie to tell your physical therapist.
Ladies, have you ever suffered any wounds from the slings and arrows of good (or bad sex)? Share us your war stories in the comments!