Dear Wendy Updates: “No Kids, Please” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “No Kids, Please,” who said she didn’t want to ever have small children, preferring, instead, to maybe one day adopt or foster older children. She wasn’t sure how her boyfriend felt about that and worried about the future of their relationship as a result. After the jump, an update from her.Dear Wendy: “I’m Worried About Him Cheating on Me”

I would first like to thank you and the commentators for your honest opinions. It was the wake up call that I needed. Secondly, I would like to clarify that I do not want to have my own children not out of fear of childbirth as some comments assumed, but instead out of a lack of motherly feelings toward children under the age of about 10-ish. I don’t feel that I connect well with very small children, but feel that I connect well with adolescents. I also feel that the older children are often left behind by foster care and adoption because they are harder (what teenager isn’t hard to deal with!). It isn’t fair to these kids and contributes to problems that often show up in adulthood that a loving family could have helped to prevent.

Finally, I would like to make a counter argument to all those commentators who assumed that we could never work and should end the relationship now. My bf had never straight up said he wanted kids nor had I made my decisions very clear. And having that kind of conversation, which could have ended our loving and committed relationship completely, is never easy so don’t assume that our communication is lacking. It’s difficult to start a conversation that you know could ruin everything you’ve work for and built your current life around. When we began talking about it, my bf did declare that somewhere down the line he would want kids. I outlined how I saw my child situation later in life and he said he would need to think about it as adoption/fostering had never entered his head. Since our conversation he has asked me about my opinions in more detail, offering me a chance to elaborate my reasons. We have decided that what we have is too important to end a relationship because of decisions that we both won’t make for at least 4 to 5 more years (an agreed upon timeline as neither of us is ready emotionally/financially for kids). Why end it now when neither of us is sure how we’ll feel 4 years from now? I understand and am willing to take the risk that we’ll break up 4 years from now when I still might not want kids and he may decide fostering isn’t his chosen path. But at least we’ll have tried, and not given up at the first sign of trouble. We are adults and we don’t run from our problems. And for the record, we won’t be getting married until a decision has been made and agreed upon by both of us…

Thanks for the update! Best of luck to you both.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”[email protected]” title=”[email protected]”} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.