This week’s Anthony Weiner dick pic scandal — part two! — reminded me of this hilarious column written by our dear Mind of Man, John DeVore. Let’s learn, from an actual man, why dudes like to send pictures of their penises. — Amelia
Men send pictures of their penises because we want the world, or the person we love, or the person we love that week, to know that we have penises. We tell ourselves it’s to make women hot and bothered, but the truth is, those pictures just make us swell … with pride. If it wasn’t aberrant behavior, we’d hang pics of our red hot on the refrigerator door like a blue ribbon from the school science fair.
I have sent one picture of my wang to one woman. We were flirting over text, and she dared me, and so I took the picture. Considering I didn’t have time to properly light my apartment, I think the photo of el generalissimo was pretty good. I framed the shot well. I mean, it was no Mapplethorpe, but it wasn’t your average Craigslist wang portrait, where all penises look like they’re attached to an aspiring sexual predator. I sent the pic as a joke, because the request was a joke. She thought the picture was funny. She thought the entire exchange between us was very funny. Too funny. It wasn’t that funny, lady. I sent a picture of my jangly-gangly as a joke, but a little awe wouldn’t have hurt. After all, while it wasn’t a serious text, I still unleashed the kraken.
That was my only experience doing that thing all the kids are doing, including 46-year-old Congressmen. If you’re a parent of a teenager and you’re worried about your darling spawn being peer-pressured into exploring their sexuality via social media, just sit them down and tell them how that naughty experience is now the province of geeky old dudes. It’s like when I was a Boy Scout and my mustachioed Scout Master, in an attempt to prove his hipness, talked about how much he loved Madonna’s music. Madonna immediately ceased being cool.
But even as a joke, sending the picture was a rush. If you had a super sensitive tuber hanging between your legs that could do tricks, you’d be obsessed with it too. Is it really a shocking surprise that men are using technology to show off their junk? What’s the point of advanced technology if you can’t use it to express something utterly primal? I am, of course, writing about new mating rituals between consenting adults. I am not writing about unwanted penis shots. I am certain there are women out there who have been traumatized by some dude getting her digits and digitally flashing her.
I can only imagine that men send pics of their peener because it’s empowering. Granted, they probably think, This is going to TURN HER ON. Probably because most men, myself included, are definitely turned on by pictures of boobs. But sending a woman a steamy picture of your genitals is like buying your girlfriend a video game system she never asked for or even really likes for Christmas. It’s a gift for her for you. Men should just be more honest with themselves. We send those pics because they turn us on, because deep down, men want to be objectified. We crave sexual approval.
Modern women are packaged for men from the moment they are born. Be a pretty princess, wear some lip gloss, put on a sexy dress. I imagine that is both tedious and enraging. Society puts a premium on feminine beauty, and it is a cheap coin. Women, rightfully, have fought and continue to demand that they be judged on by their actions and skills. So here we are, 2011, and men want to feel cheap. We want to debase ourselves, send you pictures of an organ that is better felt than seen, and have you judge us. Because, ladies, even if you don’t find these pictures a turn-on, as so many of you claim, you do judge us.
I think the surest way to end this national nightmare, however, is quite simple. We should just bring back the codpiece, that pouch or flap that accentuated the genitals of 16th century kings, lords, and merchants. These lewd dong baskets were quite popular for a long time, and during those years, it was normal for men to falsely advertise what they carried in their soiled tights. Codpieces were like push-up bras for man fruit. Man, if we could bring those back, I’d have two codpieces. One with the stars and stripes. One with Batman’s insignia.
In retrospect, I think that woman I sent my penis picture to, you know, after sending texts like “LOL” and “HA!” and “So funny!” could have added “Nice penis, John DeVore.”
Follow John DeVore’s preening narcissism on Twitter.