Dear Wendy: “I Could Never Date A Man Who’s Hired A Hooker”
As a feminist, I’m on the fence about prostitution being legalized. On one hand, I do not feel that is is right or OK for a woman to just sell her body for a price. On the other, if prostitution is legalized, women can be a lot safer and get off the streets, making it easier for cops to catch pimps and sex slave holders. Though I feel this way, I could not be with a man or woman who has ever bought somebody for sex, especially if that person was a woman. The thought of them thinking that it’s totally OK to go up and buy a human being as if she were an object just does not sit well with me. There is no other way around it, if I found out that someone went to a prostitute, it would be a dealbreaker. I know a guy who is a widower and goes to one and he says he just does not have time for a relationship so he goes to these legal places for sex. I can see his point, but I’d want a man who would treat women with the same respect and care that he would want the women in his life to have for men. Am I stupid for feeling this way? — Feminist Against Prostitution
No, you’re not stupid for feeling the way you do. If hiring a prostitute is a deal-breaker for you, fine. You can still be in favor of legalizing sex work, for the reasons you gave, and be personally opposed to the work itself, just as you can be personally opposed to abortion but in favor of a woman’s right to choose. Having personal dealbreakers or beliefs doesn’t compromise your identity as a feminist, if that’s what you’re worried about. You can be all in favor of equal rights in the work place and a women’s choice to keep her last name when she marries, but you aren’t any less of a feminist if you happen to be a housewife who took her husband’s last name. And the people who claim you are less of a feminist? The people who say there is one feminist way of doing things? They are just as close-minded and limited in their thinking as the people and viewpoints they think they stand against. Please don’t be one of those people. The world has enough preachers standing on flimsy soap boxes as it is.
My best friend (a guy) recently got married to a wonderful girl. We have always been outrageous flirts with each other and there is an undeniable attraction between us both. I am also in a very loving relationship with the most wonderful man who I adore. Just before my friend’s wedding, I moved out of state. We have always been in regular contact, but our emails started to get far raunchier and more descriptive. He admitted that he had always been attracted to me and I made the same admission about him. Words were exchanged that bordered on adultery so I put an end to it even though I enjoyed it.
After the wedding, we started emailing again and things quickly got out of hand. One night, I got horribly drunk and we ended up having cyber sex. I instantly felt remorseful. I put an end to all of our contact. We have recently started to email again. While we are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, we are both very remorseful and feel just awful for what we have done. We both mean a lot to one another. I hope we can remain friends as he is such a big part of my life, but is that even possible now?
I ended up telling my partner about the emails exchanged (not the cybersex) and because he is so wonderful, he just saw my telling him as an affirmation of his trust for me. What should I do? — Cyber Guilt
Straight men and women need three things in order to maintain close, platonic friendships (and nothing more) with each other: 1) respected boundaries, 2) respect for one another’s partners, and 3) a lack of sexual tension. Darlin’, it would seem you are 0 for 3 in this scenario. So, take a break from each other until you can say for certain that all three of these criteria are met. If you’re truly meant to be in each other’s lives, your friendship will survive six months or a year of zero communication. In the meantime, shift your focus back on our your relationship with the “loving man you adore” and quit doing dumb things to jeopardize what you have with him.
Read more from DearWendy.com:
- Dear Wendy: “He Told Me He’s Too Busy for Me. Should I MOA?”
- Long Commutes Make Bad Relationships
- Dear Wendy: “My Best Friend is Setting Herself Up for Disaster”
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