• Guys

Mind Of Man: Does Every Man Want To Have A Threesome? (Answer: Yes! Also: No!)

Here’s a 110 percent true fact: the guy you’re dating has definitely imagined having a threesome with you and the waitress from last night, his hot co-worker, or your best friend. Yuck, amiriiiiight?

While you’re squirming over how grossoholic men are, telling yourself “My boyfriend would NEVER want to have a threesome between me and my best friend Megs,” allow me to inform you that women are far kinkier, nastier, and sexually adventuresome than the testicle enabled. More on THAT, later.

Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.

To dudes, having a threesome with two chicks is the Holy Grail of sexual conquest. And like the Holy Grail, it is a mythical ideal, a fruitless quest.

Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.

Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.

I understand that the thought of two naked, undulating bodies is aesthetically awesome and sexually arousing. See, I’m not into actually going through with a threesome. I am sufficiently challenged by having to summon one orgasm, or many, from one woman. Having to get it on with two chicks seems like guaranteeing failure. I’m a sex centaur, for sure. But someone is going to be let down.

And it’s difficult enough trying to figure out who’s the inside spoon, distribution of pillows, and snoring protocol.

I mean, yes, two women sucking face is hot. Very hot. Men are obsessed with lesbians. Lesbian porn is one of the most beloved spank genres, and the reason it captivates is because men are drawn to the spectacle of their own obsolescence. Moths are drawn to the flame for a reason. In the best lesbian porn, when two women go at it, they really seem to enjoy it. Men are therefore erotically redundant. We’re just sperm boats. Subconsciously, it’s morbidly thrilling.

And since it’s two women having sex, there is a natural emphasis on both women getting their cookie. Watching a hot girl-on-girl porno, some electrical impulse goes off in the reptilian part of a man’s brain, and he realizes subconsciously that he is not needed in order to provide pleasure. We are just sperm boats. Again, it’s morbidly thrilling.

And what about threesomes between two guys and a girl? Besides frat boys who love to high five during coitus and are unaware of their secret heart’s quiet desires, this is not a threesome most dudes want. And if they do, that’s an entirely different discussion that defies sweeping gender stereotypes. Alright, fine. If two BRODAWGS totally nail the same chick at the same time, they shall never speak of it ever, ever again. And this law applies doubly after any subsequent times.

I know two friends who have pulled off a little ménage-a-trois action. It should be noted that one threesome was instigated by a dude between his girlfriend and a chick they met at a bar. The second threesome was encouraged by a chick, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers from, ahem, yoga.

The first threesome instigated by the dude ended with him finishing within the first 10 minutes. Then he sat on the couch, ate tortilla chips and watched television while his girlfriend and her friend went at it for hours. That couple never did it again, and eventually they broke up because he cheated on her with a woman whose greatest sexual fetish was the missionary position. The second threesome, instigated by the chick, was, by all accounts, a transcendent sexual experience. Until the chick broke up with the dude, and ran away with the chick from yoga. He’s a very angry, bitter man now.

Both are cautionary tales. And while I know there are plenty of open-minded, benevolently hedonistic polyamorous moral astronauts out there, the majority of guys talk a big game about sleeping with two women. They might even bring it up, playfully, and you should play along. But really, we don’t want to actually go through with it. Trust me.

I don’t want a threesome between me and whoever I’m dating. I just want the sexy comfort of the option. That’s all.

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