Perfectly good sex can be ruined by really bad manners. There is an unwritten code of sex conduct. Follow it, and your partner will likely be a repeat customer. Break it, and you may screw the likelihood of boning again. After the jump, some examples of bad manners in the bedroom that will get you kicked to the curb.
- Trying out a kink without asking. If you’re into spanking, panty ripping, golden showers, or salad tossing, for example, that’s totally cool. But please discuss it with us before doing it to us.
- Talking about your sex life with an ex. Unless we ask, don’t regale us with stories about the jade egg your ex could hold in her vagina all day. We don’t want to know.
- Not offering a tissue to wipe up your spunk. If you got your baby batter on our face or body, it is only right to get a lady a tissue or a washcloth to freshen up.
- Dirty sheets. If you expect us to roll around with you, wash your goddamn sheets first.
- Recycling sex toys. Using the same vibrator on more than one woman is not only insulting, it’s disgusting. I don’t care if you washed it. Get that thing away from us.
- Coming on face or in mouth without asking. It is only polite to request the pleasure of coming on one’s face or in one’s mouth without consent.
- Not having any condoms on hand and saying, “It’s OK, I’ll pull out!” Bitch, please! No condoms on hand, no sex. You are delusional if you think otherwise.
- Not offering sleepwear. If we’ve learned anything positive from The Situation, it’s that a woman likes to be offered something comfortable to wear while sleeping over. An old — but laundered! — T-shirt is much appreciated.
- Ruining clothing. Do not throw our cocktail dress on your unswept floor. Do not chuck our bra and panties with the dust bunnies under your bed. Do not cover our new pants with lube. We’re all for ripping off clothes in the heat of the moment, but be mindful of our duds.
- Not spending the night. The only way to get out of spending the night together post-coitus is to discuss it before you’ve done the deed. Anything less and you are an ass.
What do you consider poor sex etiquette? Add your own examples in the comments.