Dear Wendy: “What’s The REAL Reason He Doesn’t Want To Date Me?”
A week ago I met a really nice guy and we hit it off right away. We both are newly single and expressed to one another that we were just looking for someone to go out and spend time with. We went on our first official date a couple of days ago and it went very well. I was pretty certain that we’d see each other again because at certain moments during the date he would make references to future dates. Well, a few hours after the date he texted me saying that while he had a nice time with me and liked me he wasn’t ready for any kind of commitment and wanted to keep his options open. He also said that he felt like if we continued to see one another we’d likely end up in a serious relationship, and that that’s not what he wants right now. I know the answer here should be obvious to me, but it just really sucks! I have never connected this soon with someone before and we had a great first date and I could tell he was into me, but now suddenly I’m rejected because he likes me too much? He said he didn’t want to hurt me and that I deserve a lot more than he can give me right now. Do you think he was he being genuine and really looking out for me? Or was this just his way of saying he’s not into me without actually saying it? — Bummed After First Date
What difference does it make whether he was being “genuine” or simply trying not to hurt your feelings? The bottom line is that, for whatever reason, this guy doesn’t want a relationship with you. Trying to somehow justify his reasoning or twist it around in your head to mean something it doesn’t or convince yourself that with enough effort you could still have a chance with him will do nothing but make you look and feel foolish. Here’s the thing about guys: whether they’re “newly single” or have been on the market for a long time, if they want you as their girlfriend, they will waste NO TIME treating you like a girlfriend. And if they aren’t interested in you as a girlfriend, they will waste no time in letting you know that as well.
It’s pretty telling that this guy told you only hours after your first date that he was not interested in you that way. Perhaps he sensed some desperation on your part. Maybe he could tell you were ready to pounce and he wanted to nip things in the bud. And, yes, maybe he really was being genuine in saying he felt a potential something with you and that was something he simply wasn’t ready for. But, whatever his reason, the outcome is still the same: he does not want you as a girlfriend. So, MOA. Life’s too short to get hung up on some guy you went out with one time.
Only a couple of months ago, my significant other and I passed the two year mark in our relationship. We’ve had our share of fights over this period in time, but one of the reoccurring issues seems to be her jealousy. Apparently, I am completely oblivious to people flirting with me. Since this is my first relationship and I literally have no previous experience (I’m only 17) I’m honestly not sure if she’s right, or if it’s just paranoia on her part. So tell me: what exactly constitutes flirting? How can you tell for sure if someone is hitting on you? And if it turns out my girlfriend is just paranoid, how do I get her to realize this too? — Oblivious to Flirting
Well, color me confused, but I guess I just don’t see what the problem is with people flirting with you if you don’t even realize what they’re doing. Wouldn’t the far bigger problem be with your flirting with them? Sometimes, when I’m out with my husband, he’ll make some comment about some random guy checking me out, and I’ll be like, “What guy?” And he’ll say, “You didn’t notice that guy on the corner looking you up and down?” And I’ll say, “No,” because I was oblivious to it. In that case, what on earth would my husband have to feel jealous about? I didn’t even notice the other guy! But, on the other hand, if I had noticed that other guy checking me out, and I started checking him out in return and maybe even smiled at him or waved or winked or did something obvious like that, my husband would have every reason to be upset and feel disrespected. So … in regards to your situation, I suspect you’re waving and winking, metaphorically speaking. Otherwise, why would your girlfriend be so upset?
It could very well be that you’re oblivious to your own “waving and winking” — your own flirting, in which case it’s time to tune in to your behavior. Do you act overly friendly to other women in front of your girlfriend? Do you smile at them or joke around or check them out when your attention should be on her? If you honestly can’t pinpoint what might be upsetting your girlfriend, just ask her. If she’s the one who has a problem, ask her exactly what that problem is. Ask her to point it out the next time it happens so you know what she’s talking about. Then, you can decide if she’s being unreasonable or if she is justified in her feelings and if you need to reign in your behavior.
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