Why Is Everyone So Concerned About My Anus?

It has recently come to my attention that perhaps I am not as concerned about the cleanliness of my anus as I should be. See, in the last few weeks, I feel like the universe has been trying to tell me that keeping my chocolate starfish pristine should be higher on my list of priorities. It’s giving me a complex. First, Will.i.am planted the seed by saying a pet peeve of his is when a woman only has “dry toilet paper” instead of baby wipes in her bathroom, implying that the TP doesn’t do the job of cleaning up back there.

A week later, I received an email from a publicist about Cottonelle Fresh Moist Wipes (subject line: “Get Fresh By Getting Fresh”), which she described as “a quick, easy, hassle-free way to get fresh before heading out with friends or with that special someone.” I have to say, in my years of prepping for dates, I have never had a “pre-date bathroom routine” that involved primping my a**hole.

S**t, I mean, crap, I mean, ugh — should I?

I really started to wonder when I was at a friend’s apartment and noticed a box of baby wipes on top of her toilet. As the moist towelette phenomenon seems to be more of a guy thing — if Will.i.am, Terrence Howard, and the guy Ami spoke to for her post are representative of typical baby wipe clientele — I hoped that this new addition to my friend’s bathroom set-up was the result of her boyfriend recently moving in.

But then, last night, a fourth sign I could not ignore. Another email from a publicist asking if I have “posterior personal hygiene concerns” and suggesting Fleet Naturals Cleansing Enemas as a solution. Enemas? This is going too far.

Sigh. Here’s the thing. I’m a busy gal. I work hard, I have an active social life, and I’m learning to play the ukulele. I simply don’t have time to spend tending to my back door. I generally consider my ass a no-fly zone (not passing judgment on those who do enjoy anal play) and at age 31.5, I consider myself a proficient, above-average butt wiper. I like to think my brown eye is as clean as it can possibly be, all things considered.

So, I’m taking a stand. Putting my foot down! Clenching my butt cheeks! Let this post be a message to Will.i.am, Terrence Howard, and the enema/baby wipe industry — my ass is none of your concern.

Want to contact the writer of this post? {encode=”[email protected]” title=”Email her”}! (But not with anal-cleansing products, please.)