8 Bachelorette And Bridesmaid Traditions We’d Be Glad To See Go

Spring is in the air, peonies are in season, and bank accounts are slowly being drained … it can mean only one thing — wedding season has arrived! I’m attending a wedding this weekend in Napa and am quite excited for all the festivities — seeing old friends, drinking wine, eating yummy food, hearing the exchanging of vows, crying tears of joy, cutting a rug at 3 a.m. with a bottle of bubbly in my hand, etc. But as the movie “Bridesmaids” so hilariously illustrated, wedding culture — specifically bridesmaid culture — often goes too far. Many pre-wedding celebrations have become more of a bizarre, self-indulgent spectacle and less about rejoicing in true love. And the expectations made of bridesmaids? Well, I have heard some horror stories that make me want to punch a giant cookie. After the jump, eight bachelorette and bridesmaid traditions we’d be glad to see go. Feel free to add your own (or disagree!) in the comments!
1. The gifting of sex toys. I have no problem with giving or receiving a sex toy as a gift, in fact, my Hitatchi Magic Wand came courtesy of a good friend on my 30th birthday and I have been thankful for it on the regular ever since. However, I think it’s bizarre that sex toys are the appropriate present for a woman who is about to get married. It’s kind of depressing actually. Is it a not-so-funny reference to the fact that the sex supposedly goes downhill after the knot is tied? Bachelorette parties are supposed to be fun, not total bummers.

2. Wearing or holding penis paraphenalia in public. Ladies, I agree — penises are hilarious. I laughed outloud when Kristen Wiig did her imitation of Jon Hamm’s angry one-eyed monster in “Bridesmaids.” I have the world’s most juvenile sense of humor and frequently laugh at my own farts. So if I am mature enough to realize that the donning of penis face masks and the shaking of dick maracas is straight up embarassing for women over the age of 12 to do in public — behind closed doors is one thing — than the rest of the world should be as well.

3. Putting every bridesmaid is the same hideous dress. Brides, allow your bridesmaids the dignity of wearing a hideous dress that at least flatters their individual figure. Same color, sure! Same shoes and hair accessories? Great! But it just seems cruel to force your 5’1″ cousin to wear the same $300 floor-length gown as your 5’8 bestie — one of them is going to look like a midget.

4. Guilt-tripping bridesmaids who cannot attend every single wedding-related function. I find it so bewildering that there seems to be this idea that if you accept the honor of being in someone’s bridal party, that role suddenly must become your top priority — more than your job, your own relationship, or your financial situation. I know a girl who was demoted from bridesmaid to regular ol’ wedding guest because job obligations made it impossible for her to attend the bachelorette party in Mexico. Another friend of mine lost her job shortly after agreeing to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding and was given the cold shoulder by the bride when she attempted to gracefully bow out of the super pricey bachelorette weekend for financial reasons. Brides, if you really want all of your bridesmaids to be at the various parties and events that you’ve deemed essential, then you have to be willing to work around their schedules and financial situations. Otherwise, get over it. Bridesmaids are people too!

5. Having 4+ pre-wedding bashes. Seriously, people, an engagement party, a shower, and a bachelor/bachelorette is enough celebrating. I’m thinking of your own interests here — you don’t want to be partied out before the big day, do you?

6. Expecting more than one gift. Seriously, I’m supposed to bring a gift to the shower and the bachelorette party, and pick something off the wedding registry as well? Come the f**k on.

7. Attending male strip clubs. No offense to those who don the banana hammock and twirl their junk for dollar bills, but male strip clubs are kind of pointless and icky. Two things I am about 98 percent sure of: 1) Male strip clubs are primarily frequented by gay men and 2) women only started going to male strip clubs for bachelorette parties as some sort of “well if he’s going to go to a strip club, I am too!” sense of equality. Having gone to a handful of male strip clubs in my life — mostly down in New Orleans during Mardi Gras in college, for the record — and a few lady strip joints too, I can assure you, there is a decidedly different look on the faces of each venues’ clientele. Guys go to strip clubs to ogle naked ladies. Women — generally speaking — go to male strip clubs as a “joke.” The thing is, after five minutes, it’s not funny anymore, it’s boring, and you could be doing something awesome — like lazer tag!

8. Throwing the bouquet. By all means, throw it. I just loathe the tradition of single women being required to participate. What if you don’t ever want to get married? And what about the married ladies? With 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, a married lady catching the bouquet could be a delightful omen that a second marriage is in her future! I think anyone who wants to should be able to vie to catch the bouquet. I am going to a wedding this weekend and I will be happy to participate in the bouquet tossing. Why? Because I know the bride has great taste in flowers.

Check out more of The Frisky’s Wedding Survival Guide here!

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