Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Refuses To Introduce Me To His Friends And Family”
My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months, but he won’t let me meet his friends or his family. He has told me his friends dislike me for the sole reason that I am his girlfriend. It’s not even that I take up too much of his time — he see’s them every day and I only see him one day a week. His friends haven’t met me, yet they try to start fights with me and are mean to me on Facebook. I asked him to please tell them to stop saying mean things to me on Facebook, but he won’t. Instead, he says to me “Stop being silly. Who cares?” Well, I care. One day we were in his bedroom, and we heard some of his friends in the living room with his roommate; I was gonna go out and say hello but my boyfriend said to me “No, they will rip your head off.” I just hate it. I’m not allowed to meet them, he lets them talk bad about me to his face and on the internet, and when I get mad, it’s all my fault. Another thing is I’m kept separate from his family. He has met mine but won’t let me meet his. One day we drove to his house and he just sat outside in the car. I said let’s go inside and say hello, but he wouldn’t. I had to sit in the car. What do I do? What does this all mean? — Kept in the Dark
What does all this mean? Well, at best, it means that your boyfriend is a total tool who doesn’t deserve to have you as his girlfriend and you’ve been a bit foolish to stick with him as long as you already have. (Seriously, 11 months of this kind of treatment? Girl, I hope you love yourself more than that!) At worst, it could mean there’s something shady going on: your boyfriend is actually feeding the negativity by joining in the smack-talk behind your back; perhaps he has a secret girlfriend or family that you don’t know about. Let’s lay it all out: you only see the guy once a week; his friends seem to hate you; he doesn’t defend you; he belittles you and your feelings; and he refuses to introduce you to his friends and family — even when they are in the other room. Clearly, for whatever reason, this is not a guy who is proud to be with you. Why on earth would you want to stay with him? MOA, sister. Eleven months is 10 months and 29 days too long to spend with a jerk like this.
I’m 23 years old and have never had a serious relationship. I dated guys in college, but those always ended after a couple of months (usually by me). At the time, I was really into school, my activities and my friends and I wasn’t ready to make the compromises necessary for a serious relationship (and wasn’t into the guys enough either). For the past year, I’ve been thinking that I would like to be in a serious relationship, so I’ve been online dating for the past three months. I’ve meet four guys so far. With Guy A, we both weren’t feeling it, Guys B and C asked me out again but I wasn’t interested, and I was interested in Guy D, but he was feeling more of a friend vibe. Apart from these guys, I haven’t been really interested in the messages I’ve been receiving, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being too picky and have expectations that are a little out of my league. There was nothing overtly wrong with Guys B and C — they just seemed kind of boring and I wasn’t feeling a connection. I’m pretty decent looking (not stunning, but pretty enough), I’m fit, I’m in medical school and super passionate about it, I’ve traveled a ton and I have really good friends. I’m never the life of the party, but I’m not a social outcast. How do I figure out when I’m being too picky vs .when I’m being smart? And if I am being too picky, how do I change that so I can be interested in the guys who are interested in me? — Being Too Picky?
If you’re only 23 and you’re judging yourself on dates with only four guys, I’d give yourself a break. If you were 43 and had been out with 50 guys and none of them was right, then you’d have reason to worry or question your judgment. Just keep going out on dates and realize it often takes more than three months or four different guys before you find someone you’re interested in. But if you’re truly worried that you’re being too picky, then give guys you feel at least a friendship vibe with another chance on a second date. Sometimes it just takes a couple dates to “warm up” and feel the chemistry, especially if you’ve never met in person before the first date ad both of you are a little nervous.
Read more DearWendy.com:
- “We’re Marrying Early for Health Insurance”
- “Should I Withhold Sex Until our Relationship is Official?”
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