“Most unusual sexual experience?” I asked my man as I was straddling him in bed one evening. This may sound like a strange line of questioning, but we like to give each other intimate interviews. It is part of our oddly arousing foreplay.
“A squirter,” he answered.
“Really!?’ I asked, as if he were telling me he sees dead people.
“Yeah, every single time we did it, she squirted.”
My immediate reaction was to suspect he was lying, but he’s not that sort of fellow. Next, I felt somehow inadequate as a woman. Should I be able to know how to squirt to be a sexually empowered female? To please my guy? To please myself? Was there some great sexual ability I was failing at?
I know squirting happens, I’ve seen porn. I’ve read up on it. Squirting, or female ejaculation, refers to a clear fluid that “squirts” out of the vagina during orgasm. It is thought to be related to the G-spot although no one can quite explain the mechanics in a way that satisfies me (no pun intended). Between 10 percent and 70 percent of women report “gushing” at some point in their lives (depending on what study you read). So that’s either barely any or lots and lots. This kind of inconsistent, inconclusive evidence only adds to my confusion.
As if in cosmic response to my confusion about squirting (yay synchronicity!), last week’s episode of Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” podcast, featured female ejaculation educator, Heike Rodriguez. She had some strong views on female ejaculation:
“Every woman can [squirt]. Every woman has a G-spot … It doesn’t have so much to do with being in your body or being sex positive, it has to do with your emotions. The G-spot is the emotional center of our reproductive system … It has a lot to do with connecting intimacy with sex, with being able to let your emotions flow. With being willing to cry when you feel something intensely. That’s not something that’s really out there as a part of sex. And I think that’s why a lot of women can’t do it, they haven’t connected their hearts with their vaginas … A lot of women have trauma stored in their body and it makes some parts of their body inaccessible.”
Heike’s words hit a nerve. Like many women, I have suffered sexual trauma. A date rape a few years back left me feeling sexually numb, my orgasms harder to achieve. I am aware of the connection between my heart and my vagina, maybe even a little bit too aware. That connection is on the mend with time (and some good therapy). I know that with trust and intimacy will come greater access to pleasure.
Call me crazy, but Heike turned the idea of female ejaculation from enviable myth to something I’m not compelled to achieve. Part of my sexual healing if you will, is not forcing my body to “perform” in any particular way … unless it occurs naturally. I am working to understand my body again and how it responds to intimacy, not to judge it. The thought of unlocking my emotions or unearthing my past trauma while in bed with my guy sounds like the opposite of what I want my sex life to be at the moment. I have no desire to lay in bed and weep over the past. Maybe I can squirt and maybe someday my body will happen upon it. But for now, I just want to enjoy myself, enjoy my body, enjoy my orgasms when they happen, and move forward. That feels sexually empowered enough for me.
Last night, I broached the issue with my man one more time.
“Do you wish I knew how to squirt? Did you like it?” I asked.
“Eh, it was okay I guess. Honestly, it was kind of messy. I like your body just the way it is,” he assured me.
I was glad we were on the same page.