Towards the end of our second date, per Dr. Diana’s instructions, I told Old Flame I was dating other people as we were leaving the bar. I wasn’t sure how he’d react, but oddly, it seemed to sexually excite him. Our goodnight hug and smooch turned hot. We stood in my stairwell, kissing furiously. There was hair pulling, hand roving, and dirty talk.
“Damn! You are so sexy,” he whispered in my ear.
Hearing him speak, I felt my vagina’s engine sputter and then turn off. Being thought of as sexy by a guy you like is a good thing. No, a great thing. But as I was kissing Old Flame, I was thinking about my first kiss with Spontaneous Guy, which happened much the same way, in my stairwell. I was thinking about how my knees went gelatinous and he told me he hadn’t had a kiss like that in a long time, looking at me with wonder.
As much fun as I was having playing tonsil hockey with Old Flame, my heart wasn’t in it. Something was missing. The romance. He was so eager and his enthusiasm had the opposite effect on me. I sent him home, in the pouring rain. I felt like a dick, but I had to. (For the record, I did give him my umbrella.)
Upstairs, alone and dry in my apartment, I sent him an email and broke it off with him, explaining that I had developed stronger feelings for someone else and cared about him too much to lead him on.
Still thinking about Spontaneous Guy and the strong feelings I could no longer downplay, I decided to take a leap, to put myself out there in a way I normally wouldn’t.
I sent him a text.
“Thinking of you. Missing you.”
This sounds silly, but it was huge for me to say how I felt and to say it unsolicited. I don’t do that. EVER.
I didn’t hear back from him for 12 hours, 19 hours, 26 hours. The epic rainstorm continued and so did my epic meltdown.
Feeling rejected by his silence, my mind started waging a bloody war on Spontaneous Guy. He was too immature for me! A poor communicator when we weren’t in person! He had undiagnosed ADD! A small spare tire around the middle! He hadn’t tried to introduce me to any of his friends! Now that I thought about it, I hated his shoes! We didn’t really have that much fun together, did we? I didn’t really like him at all! I should dump him right away! For being so rude! I just broke it off with a perfectly good guy who thought I was “so sexy” just to be blown off by a Spontaneous A**hole? Oh hell no! I wasn’t going to get played like this again.
I stormed into Dr. Diana’s office with a mile-long list of reasons why I wanted to break it off with Spontaneous Guy and be alone for the rest of my life because love always means I get hurt. And feeling like “The Bachelorette” was only fun for five minutes before I started screwing everything up by making all the wrong decisions for myself.
“Are you done, now?” she asked handing me a box of tissue.
I nodded, crossing my arms.
“You need to chill the hell out and be patient,” she told me. “And you need to learn to be grateful. The only thing that’s wrong with this situation is your negativity. If you keep it up, you’re going to kill off any love that shows up in your life.”
“But …” I started to protest and then stopped.
There were a whole bunch of counter-arguments I could make about how many times I’d been hurt, about how I needed to protect myself, about how guys were insensitive jerks. But they were all negative. What good would projecting negativity into my love life do? None whatsoever. It would just reinforce what had become, I had to admit, a self-fulfilling prophecy. More importantly, who wants to fall in love with negative person? No one. OK. I got it. I needed to strive be the kind of person I would want to be in love with.
I couldn’t argue with Dr. Diana. She was right. Consider me humbled. I agreed to work on being a more positive by writing her a daily email with the things I’m grateful for.
Today I’m grateful that the sun is out. I’m grateful for the phone call I got from Spontaneous Guy telling me how sorry he was that he didn’t get back to me. He lost his phone while hiking and had to get a new one. I’m grateful to Dr. Diana for the support in this process. I really need it. And I’m grateful that I am willing to change.