Should We Be Wiping With Baby Wipes?

I know it’s poor form to crucify one person for more than one stupid statement per interview, but here goes. Now, that we’ve expressed our anger over the condom comment in Elle, I would like to address his musings on baby wipes.

[My pet peeve is if a woman’s] got only dry toilet paper and no baby wipes next to the toilet … Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.

I’ll let the poor grammar slide for now and focus on the statement. Is he implying that women poop on the floor like wild heathens? Or that we’re unable to wipe our butt cracks properly without the use of a moist towelette? Terrence Howard expressed a similar sentiment in an interview. Is this a thing I didn’t know about? Is there a secret world of butt-wiping best practices out there?

I went straight to the source and asked a guy friend of mine. A transcript of our conversation is attached below:

ME: What’s up with baby wipes?

HIM: Guys need baby wipes to wipe their asses. It might be different for women.

ME: Yes, I’ll wipe with pretty much any paper product. It’s never caused me any problems.

HIM: So you don’t use baby wipes?

ME: No, never. I am not a baby. Toilet paper does the trick. Is it a dealbreaker if a woman you are dating doesn’t use baby wipes?

HIM: No, of course not. As long as she’s getting getting the job done. I just hate it if I spend the night at her place and she doesn’t have any. That sucks. Does your ass ever get uncomfortable after wiping with low-grade?

ME: Low-grade? There are classifications of TP? I am not concerned about the comfort of my ass.

HIM: Low-grade toilet paper causes chafing. I only use Charmin Ultra and I carry baby wipes with me wherever I go. Just in case. It could be a bad day without them. When I wipe, I alternate TP/baby wipe/ TP.

ME: There’s a whole process? That is shocking. (Having a sudden revelation) I think women don’t care about using baby wipes because we are desensitized to wiping ourselves because we wipe exponentially more often than guys.

HIM:Very possible.

ME: I will have to ask the Internet.

Now I ask you esteemed butt-wipers of the Friskyverse, what is up with the baby wipe thing? Do you use them? Do men need them more than women? Am I just wiping ignoramous? Do you agree with that you “gotta get them baby wipes?” Please share.