Dear Wendy Updates: “Depressed and Unsure” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Depressed and Unsure,” who, much to her boyfriend’s chagrin, had befriended her BFF’s ex (and boyfriend’s friend) after the broke up. “We both share long-time struggles with chronic depression, and the outlet we’ve found in each other has helped us both immensely. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has taken issue with this new-found friendship.”Dear Wendy: “How Many Red Flags Are Too Many?”
Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Lied to Me About His Drug Use”

First of all, thanks for the advice! A lot has happened in my relationships with both men since I wrote you in November. The issue at hand was never about my friend’s jealousy; she had cut off communication with me as well as her ex-boyfriend, and so I guess that was another thing we had bonded over. Despite how dangerous becoming emotionally involved with him was, the biggest issue I ended up taking out of the ordeal was my need for an emotional connection with my boyfriend. The two of us had talked about how emotionally distant he was long before his friend became a closer acquaintance of mine, and even after I explained to him that the only reason for talking to his friend so much was because he was never available for me that way, he still didn’t open up to me.

After writing, there were two very major events that demonstrated just how emotionally unavailable my boyfriend was. First, in December his oldest friend suffered a mental breakdown and found himself in the hospital. While pleading with my boyfriend to visit him, my boyfriend refused, saying his friend was only acting out for attention. When I asked him if he really thought his oldest friend would do such a thing, he responded “I don’t know. I don’t know him that well.” In January, he informed me that he was moving over 700 miles away because his mom was moving, and he refused every offer to get an apartment with one of his friends, or even me. The night before he left we attended a small going away party for him and afterward he dropped me off at my house, refusing to get out of the car and constantly berating me for crying.

I decided to break up with him, and when he begged me to reconsider, I asked him to list the characteristics that he liked most about me. Just as I feared, all he could list were body parts. The same friend that I helped console began consoling me, and as much as I may have been walking the fine line between friendship and full-blown emotional affair, I happened to get a really good friend out of the whole ordeal.

Thanks for the update!

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”” title=””} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.