An Imagined Conversation With This Amphibious Model

Me: Did you take swimming lessons when you were a kid?

Model: Sure did.

Me: Did you like them?Model: They were OK.

Me: I hated mine. The first time my swimming teacher dunked my head under I was so scared that I clawed out a large piece of his stomach. I probably still have some of his skin under my fingernails.

Model: I feel pretty comfortable underwater.

Me: I can see that. Quick question: Did you know that humans can’t breathe underwater?

Model: Yes we can! Don’t you see the bubbles coming out of my mouth?

Me: Well, yeah, you’ve got the exhaling thing covered. It’s the getting air into your lungs that tends to be problematic.

Model: I do feel a little light-headed.

Me: On the plus side, your makeup looks great. What brand of waterproof mascara do you use?

Model: The photographer told me if I put on this leopard print swimsuit it would give me the power to breath underwater. Like a leopard.

Me: I’m sorry to break this to you but you’ve been grossly misinformed about leopards.

Model: I’m starting to think you might be right.

Me: And unless your lipstick prevents brain damage, you might want to get out of the water soon.

Model: Good call. My fingers are starting to prune.

Me: And also you might die.

Model: Yeah. That too.