7 Things A Guy Should NOT Do If He Wants To Get Laid

Dear guys of the world, I would like to share something top secret: the things you do while on a date are important if you’re hoping to have sex with us at the end of it. Each action falls into one of two categories: 1) Makes our vaginas wet. 2) Makes our lady business as dry as the Sahara. Not always literally, but your actions may directly affect our lady lubrication and willingness to share it with you. Your mission during said date should you choose to accept it is to “get our juices flowing.” At the end of the night, if you fall into the “makes us moist” category, we just might fall into bed with you. Imagine that. After the jump, some things to avoid if getting laid is what you seek.

  1. No crying before coitus. Tears, while wet, have the opposite effect on the vadge. Feel free to cry after we do it. Especially if it was so good it brought you to tears. But please don’t cry before. We understand that you are human beings with feelings. And we encourage you to share those feelings with us. But there is a time and a place for feeling sharing and it’s not during our romantic date. If you cry over dinner and drinks, you will be magically transported from sexy date land to adult baby land. We promise not to cry pre-coitus if you do. Pinky swear?
  2. No bad shoes. Two words for you. Sketchers shape-ups. Otherwise known as the unsexiest shoe on the planet. Can’t you think of some other way to tone up your ass during our date? Like maybe by grinding me later? Please don’t wear them in my presence. Other shoes that may hinder my ability to get turned on include: mandals, Tevas, and pointy-toed dress shoes. Just don’t do it.
  3. Keep bodily functions at bay. Excessive burping, farting, ear wax picking, boogers, and dandruff scratching is just not gonna get me there. Groom yourself and release gas before we meet up.
  4. Don’t overdo it on the accessories. Who told men it was OK to wear jewelry? That person needs to be locked up. I want to be wearing the most accessories on our dates. Bracelets, earrings, and necklaces (especially those ones with the shells) are very dangerous to our libido. As is cologne. Take it easy on that stuff. I should be more fragrant than you. You shall abide by these rules if you want me to do you.
  5. Try not to show up in a crap mood. If you can’t at least pretend that you’re really excited to spend time with me, please cancel. We can reschedule. If you show up and announce that you are in a bad mood, you have just ensured that you will spend the night alone.
  6. Don’t assume that we will lay you. Nothing makes us want to prove you wrong more than a cocky attitude that implies that you think you have us in the bag — er — bed. Geez, can you be humble fahchrissakes? Your d**k is not the sun. I am not going to be pulled by centrifugal force into its magnificent orbit so it can shine on me. Play it cool, boy, and maybe I will hop a ride.
  7. Try not to be a crass monkey. The crass criteria is different for every lady. But some things that may upset the crass pH balance include but are not limited to smoking, chewing tobacco, swearing excessively, getting sloppy drunk, and/ or making off-color jokes. Control yourself, dude. Practice your manners and maybe if you’re a gentleman, you will get a reward.