A couple weeks ago, I caught the nasty cold that’s been going around. Coughing, feverish, and too tired to leave my couch, I drew the blinds and searched for comfort in the Netflix “instant watch” section. Instead I found Jersey Shore Season 2. I’d never seen the show before and thought this might be a good time to check it out and see what all the fuss is about. I ended up watching the entire season, continuously–all 13 hours of it.
I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I had no interaction with any other human beings. The sun set outside my apartment sometime during episode 11, cloaking the world in darkness, and by the time the credits rolled for the season finale, I would barely recognize the person I’d become. Maybe watching one or two episodes of Jersey Shore is a fun thing to do every once in awhile, but taking in an entire season in one sitting will absolutely ruin your life. Here’s how…
1. When my boyfriend came home that night I greeted him with a fist pump. Which sounds sexual but is actually just douchey.
2. I used to think I had voluminous hair. Until I saw Snooki’s “poof:”
4. The original definition of “grenade” is but a distant memory. The new definition, thanks to the charming men of Jersey Shore? “A fat, ugly girl.”
5. Since the camera would routinely zoom in on girls skinnier and prettier than I am while playing the theme music from Psycho to identify such “grenades,” my self-esteem is a distant memory too.
6. Inspired by Sammi and Ronnie’s sickeningly codependent relationship, I’ve been testing my boyfriend to see if he really loves me. The best way to do this: tell him he’s welcome to go hang out with his friends, and then when he does, cry under a blanket for two days.
7. I’ve recently found myself yearning for a sensible and flattering going out dress. Something like this:
[Dress via Ami Clubwear]
8. I’ve also found myself yearning for Pauly D and his solid mass of hair. Don’t judge me.
9. The JS crew substitutes the word “smushing” for “sex.” Unfortunately I’ve already had three friends tell me if I say “smush” one more time they are never going to talk to me again.
10. I never realized how pale I am. So, so pale.