15 Real Reasons We Dumped Him

Blogger Shmitten Kitten asked the question, “What’s the REAL reason you dumped him?” We’d love to pretend like it was always for noble reasons — like our lives were headed in different directions, there was some fundamental chemistry missing, or he didn’t want to have kids. Sometimes those were the real reasons. But then sometimes … there were, um, other reasons that we were too kind to say out loud. After the jump, some harder-to-admit reasons we really broke up with him. God forgive us. Share yours in the comments.

1. He had the palette of a three-year-old. He would only eat grilled cheese, pizza, and burritos.
2. He had panic attacks after coitus.
3. I experienced SRS — sudden revulsion syndrome — and everything he did was hyper annoying.
4. He knew how to make himself vomit on cue. No idea why.
5. He was really fat and when we did it, his rolls would smack against me.
6. He kissed like a fish.
7. He was in AA and thus didn’t drink, and I couldn’t stand the awkwardness of not having alcohol on dates.
8. His dick was so big that I cried the first time he tried to put it in me. There wasn’t a second time.
9. He was bitching about his mother and referred to her as a “slut.” His mother.
10. He made no noise when he came, absolutely NONE.
11. He voted for George Bush.
12. He told me he wanted to “have a private conversation with my p**sy.” I think that was code for going down on me, but I didn’t want to stick around long enough to find out.
13. He was a Stage Five Clinger, as Pauly D would put it.
14. He told me that he wanted to fall asleep with his dick inside me.
15. He told me about his sex therapy sessions.