I Went On A Blind Date With Charlie Sheen

Anna Goldfarb at the blog Shmitten Kitten has an active imagination. This post originally appeared on her blog. Enjoy!

Charlie Sheen is a nutjob so I used his real quotes and imagined we were on a blind date. Enjoy:

Me: Thanks for meeting me here. I’ve heard good things about this place.

Charlie: I’m still alive, which is pretty cool.

Me: Yeah, it is. Janet told me a lot of things about you. Most of it was good. (laughs nervously)

Charlie: I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old. Me: Wow. Well, no. She told me that you were going through some stuff. Kinda hitting rock bottom, but that you were pulling yourself together.

Charlie: Rock bottom? That’s a fishing term.

Me: I don’t mean it like that. I mean, that you’re on the up and up, getting your life together. It’s a positive thing.

Charlie: I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself. I cured it with my brain.


Charlie: I’ve got tiger blood, man.

Me: Is that even legal? Where do you get that? Chinatown? I’m kidding. I heard that you can be a little bit wild sometimes, which is fine.

Charlie:My conduct is bitchin’.

Me: Ha! Well, I’ll be the judge of that.

Charlie: Just sit back and enjoy the show.

Me: Okey doke.

Charlie: It’s been a tsunami. And I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.

Me: That sounds pretty wild. That’s what Janet was telling me, that you’re always doing cool things and that you’re just on another level.

Charlie: I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’.

Me: Don’t be tired. I’m enjoying hearing about it. (Takes a sip of water) I find that moderation is key in all things, though.

Charlie:: I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.

Me: Oh, I don’t care about that. I try to eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep. You know, be smart.

Charlie: I don’t sleep. I wait. Most of the time–and this includes naps–I’m an F-18.

Me: You’re a force to be reckoned with when you sleep? Janet didn’t mention–

Charlie: It’s funny how sheep rhymes with sleep.

Me: I guess. (Directing his attention back to the menu) So, what looks good to you? Want to split an appetizer? Do you like calamari?

Charlie: Gnarly gnarlingtons.

Me: Oh-kay. How about we split the chicken dumplings?

Charlie: Pure and complete gnarly-isms.

Me: Jeez. You’re a picky eater. Do you think we could finish the Caesar salad if we split it?

Charlie: My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.

Me: Let’s order a plate of chicken lettuce wraps. The lettuce is good for you.

Charlie: Bull S-H-I-T.

Me: Well, what do you suggest? Let’s just go with the vegetable spring rolls. You can’t go wrong with those.

Charlie: Can’t is the cancer of happen.

Me: Spring rolls it is! So, your kids seem nice. How many do you have now? Four little ones?

Charlie: Touch my children and I will eat your hands off your arms.

Me: Whoa.

Charlie: If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.

Me: Got it. Memo received. I don’t have any kids, myself.

Charlie: Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it that way.

Me: Well, I don’t need kids to have a full life.

Charlie: Wow. What does that mean?

Me: I just mean that my career has been rewarding in its own right.

Charlie: I’ve spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.

Me: Well, I recycle my cans. Sometimes I wish I could just toss my plastics with my glass but, yeah, I separate them.

Charlie: Sorry man, I didn’t make the rules.

Me: Oh, good. Some bread for the table.

Charlie: The first one’s free. The next one goes in your mouth.

Me: They’re all free. Can you pass the butter, please?

Charlie: Your perimeter’s been breached. You got work to do, bro.

Me: It’s fine. So, have you read any good books lately?

Charlie: One of my favorite poets is Eminem.

Me: I wouldn’t classify him as a poet. I see him as more or a rapper, I guess? So, Janet also said that you like to run?

Charlie: The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children.

Me: Have you seen our waiter? I’m dying for some more water.

Charlie: Dying is for fools. Amateurs.

Me: I didn’t literally mean I was dying. Like Thomas Jefferson said–

Charlie: I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.

Me: Thomas Jefferson, the president?

Charlie: Let’s talk about something exciting. Me.

Me: I feel like that’s ALL we’ve been talking about, Charlie.

Charlie: There’s my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can’t process it? LOSERS.

Me: Did you just call me a loser?

Charlie: If people could just read behind the hieroglyphic.

Me: The menu is in English.

A little later…

Me: How’s your gnocchi?

Charlie: Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We’re starting to win.

Me: So, you like it?

Charlie: I’m bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.

The waiter comes over.

Waiter: How is everything?

Charlie: Go back to the troll hole where you came from.

Me: I’m sorry, my date isn’t feeling well.

The manager walks over briskly.

Manager: Is everything ok here? Is there anything I can get you?

Charlie: Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

Me: Charlie!

Charlie: I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering.

Me: They were just trying to be helpful.

Charlie:They picked a fight with a warlock.

Me: No one’s picking a fight with anyone.

Charlie: I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that’s how I roll.

Me: I’m sorry, Sirs. My date isn’t quite feeling himself right now. Can we get the check, please?

Charlie: Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.

Me: That doesn’t even make sense.

Charlie: I’m just giving them what I guess they want, I just don’t know if they can handle it. Pussies.

Me: Charlie, NOBODY WANTS THIS. (whispers) You’re acting like a baby.

Charlie: You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like ‘”Dude, can’t handle it. Unplug this bastard.”

Me: Let’s just split the check down the middle. Here’s your mint.

Charlie: Clearly he didn’t bring gum for everyone.

Me: Are you okay to drive home?

Charlie: I’m just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses.

Me: Have fun with that. I can’t believe Janet thought we’d hit it off.

Charlie: You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party.

Me: Goodnight, Charlie.

Also on Shmitten Kitten: