Charlie Sheen Isn’t Done Talkin’ Yet

Full disclosure: I find “Two and a Half Men” to be one of the more intolerable shows on television, so I can’t say that I’m terribly upset the show has been put on indefinite hiatus following Charlie Sheen’s epic, ongoing meltdown. Oh yes, ongoing! Charlie apparently didn’t get everything off his chest when he called in to “The Alex Jones Show” on Thursday, so he gave Pat O’Brien’s radio show a ring yesterday and dropped a load there as well. (A fitting choice, as O’Brien — back when he was a host on “Access Hollywood” — was famously busted on tape saying “Let’s hire a hooker, let’s get some coke.” So, you know, they share some common interests.) Read some of the more coo-coo bananas quotes — with guest appearances by Eminem, sandwiches, and hand jobs! — after the jump…Charlie on being clean and sober:

“I’d 100 percent line up for a test, in front of anyone, only entrance fee is water. You can’t make a claim like that unless you are sitting on absolute gold.”

Charlie on not getting a paid:

“Defeat is not an option. They know what they did was wrong they are in absolute breach [of contract] I did nothing wrong. They have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Defeat is not an option. I expressed an opinion, I have the first amendment to support me and I have an army marching behind me, to quote Eminem.”

Charlie on what he deserves:

“I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”

Charlie on what the producers want from him:

“Look, they said ‘change your life’ and I did, in like an hour. They might just be missing the old guy that was turning up every day and hitting gold.”

Charlie on Chuck Lorre and the show’s other creator:

“These guys are a couple of AA Nazis and just blatant hypocrites.”

Charlie on if he would ever go back to the show:

“Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly.”

Charlie on how it ain’t over:

“Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch – it’s about to get really gnarly.”

I propose Charlie write a book on recovering from addiction now that he’s got the time. It can be called Change Your Life In, Like, An Hour. Eminem can write the introduction and the cover could feature Charlie sitting on a mountain of cocaine with a sandwich in his hand. Just an idea.