• Relationships

What’s The Most Ridiculous Post-Sex Request You’ve Ever Received?

This week’s standout caller on Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” podcast was the kind of guy you hope you never encounter, the kind of dude you hope your son never becomes. This gentleman had recently had sexual relations with a girl in his bed and when she left, he noticed that she had gotten some period blood on his white sheets. He wanted Dan’s opinion on whether it was her responsibility to replace them. The kicker? They were flannel sheets. Not 800-thread count Egyptian cotton. Flannel. Sigh.Dan obviously had some advice words for him, along the lines of “dye the sheets red” and “suck it up,” but I was surprised he didn’t scold him more for even thinking of being so ungentlemanly as to ask her to replace his precious flannel sheets. I mean, come on. Look, the risk you take as a host or hostess (and that’s what you are whenever you have someone at your place, even a one-night stand whose first name you may not even remember) is that your guest might break or damage something. I once hooked up with this guy who lit a couple candles that were on sconces — purely for decorative use, but he didn’t know that — at the foot of my bed. We fell asleep and when we woke up in the morning a bunch of hot wax had dripped down onto my comforter. Perhaps I was just feeling lucky to be alive because the apartment didn’t catch on fire, but I didn’t ask him to replace my bedding. And it was from IKEA, you guys.

Likewise, now that I’m an adult, when I go on vacation and my cousin is dog sitting for me, I put a spare set of sheets on my bed. Why? Because I know he’s going to be schtupping his lovely girlfriend there and I would rather he didn’t potentially stain my $300 Dwell sheets. That would be upsetting on a couple of levels. The fact that I have such ridiculously expensive sheets is my own fault (I was SWD — shopping while depressed) and it’s on me to keep them out of harm’s way, just like it’s my responsibility to dump out the bathroom trash with my eyes shielded so that I don’t see the condom wrappers.

Anyway, back to the whole point of me posting about this, aside from the fact that I found it to be such a hilarious question from a real live adult male. Frisky readers, what’s the most ridiculous, offensive, or shocking request you’ve ever received post-sex? To wash his sheets for him, which actually happened to a friend of mine? To leave money on the bedside table (what, you didn’t realize she was a hooker when you picked her up?)? Share in the comments!

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