12 Valentine’s Day Gifts For Your Ex
Just because you broke up doesn’t mean you still don’t have feelings for you ex … mostly feelings of hostility. Why not express your unresolved rage over the breakup with a passive-agressive Valentine’s Day gift? After the jump, some adorable present ideas that your jerk of an ex will surely enjoy. That motherf**ker. 1. A ring shaped like a gun. You’re not going to give her an engagement ring, that’s clear at this point. How about this blinding little token of your affection?
2. That box full of the crap that your ex left at your place. It’s been sitting in the garage for months. Why not send them a care package? C.O.D. of course.
3. A handmade voodoo doll. Hit your ex where it hurts and stick a pin through the groin before you send.
4. Sign him up a listserv he would certainly enjoy. Wouldn’t your former beloved be dying to be kept abreast of all the happenings at the local Renaissance Fair? Make their dreams come true by signing them up for the listserv. Unless they actually dig the Ren Fair, then anything that will clog their inbox.
5. A customized T-shirt. Your ex will look hot wearing one that read, “It Wasn’t You, It Was Me.”
6. A flaming bag of poo. Classic, simple, and to the point.
7. Personalized candy. Now that you can customize M&Ms, you may want to send your ex a special batch with a message like “GFY!”
8. A framed photo of you and your new boo. Happy Valentine’s Day, I’m happier now! With love, Your Angry Ex.
9. An impaled pig’s heart. Your former lover will feel like crap for ripping your heart out of your chest. Make a spectacle by having it delivered special to his or her desk at work.
10. A visit from the IRS. Give the IRS a ring and rat your former love out for their less-than-legal tax practices.
11. A magazine subscription. It may be fun to sign your ex up for a subscription to Cat Fancy magazine, or some other magazine he or she has expressed EXTREME interest in (read as extreme disinterest).
12. Therapy. A gift certificate for therapy sessions will be just what your ex-paramour needs to get over their deep-seated commitment issues. Happy head shrinking, dick!