Fellas! Valentine’s Day is less than a week away — how ya holdin’ up? Have you figured out what to get your special lady (if you have one, that is)? No? Hmm. Not to put to even more pressure on you, but seriously, you really don’t want to f**k this up. Valentine’s Day is the most important day ever created for anyone with a vagina*** and you do want to get laid again, right? Don’t worry — we’re all basically single, so we can pretend to be your hypothetical girlfriend for a hot second and advise you as to where on the “expensive vs. cheap”/”romantic vs. lame” scale the V-Day gifts you might be considering fall. We don’t want you to get dumped because you thoughtlessly gave her a weedwacker or a boob job consultation.
[Note to any future boyfriends of mine: I would actually love a Dyson. But I am a clean freak and not your average chick.]