Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting the Lifetime movie treatment. Yup, sometime in April before their April 29th wedding, Lifetime will air a movie about their courtship. According to Entertainment Weekly, Nico Evers-Swindell of “Law & Order” and “NCIS: Los Angeles” will play Prince William, Ben Cross of “Chariots of Fire” will play Prince Charles, and the actress to play Kate Middleton has not yet been cast. No matter, this movie is totally going to be better than “The Craigslist Killer”!
Now, we all know that in Lifetime movies, someone dies a horrific and untimely death. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen in this movie. (Except for the Princess Di part.) But we can imagine what kind of ridiculous Lifetime-esque plots, full of passion, intrigue, and even more passion, that they could come up with …
- … Kate is actually the biological sister of the princes (not like “okay by British customs”-related) who was put up for adoption and only finds out the truth about her identity the night before the wedding.
- … the Queen is kidnapped and locked in a basement somewhere and she must be found again before the wedding can go on!
- … Prince William is cheating on Kate with her sister, Pippa Middleton, but she’s actually cheating on him with Prince Harry and Prince Charles.
- … Kate hid a pregnancy and there is an illegitimate princess out there somewhere. And the only one who knows is the ghost of Princess Di!
- … Prince William becomes Kate’s stalker, a la “Mother May I Sleep With Danger.”
- … two straight hours of lovemaking in front of a fire.
- … Kate suffers privately with bulimia/a brain tumor/something else totally horrible and she’s actually a stripper named Bambi.
- … Kate falls in love with William’s twin brother, who has been hidden from the media all his life because he has that disease where you can’t stop hiccuping.
- … the wedding is cancelled because Prince Harry meets call girls on Craigslist … and murders them, one by one.