This weekend, as I posted my second Ryan Gosling-related YouTube video to my Facebook wall, I realized something. If you were to judge me based solely on what I posted on Facebook — from status updates to links to photos — you would accurately be able to conclude that I am a begrudgingly single 30-something cliche. The three things I post to my Facebook wall most often are 1) adorable photos of my dog, Lucca, 2) Ryan Gosling-related links, videos, and status updates, and 3) photos of myself posing with other people’s babies. As is typical of this type of Facebooker, I of course posted a self-deprecating Facebook status update saying as much, to which a friend replied, “Hey, ‘Cathy’ has retired.” Sigh.
Surely, I am not the only person whose personality can be quickly deciphered via the things we choose to post on Facebook. So, what does your Facebook wall say about YOU?The Madly-In-Love Co-Dependent
Your Wall Consists Of: Photos of you and your boo; status updates that quote your boo or the cute conversations you’re always having; messages from friends saying that it’s been too long since they’ve seen you; and pics of other people’s kids the two of you have been babysitting.
You Are: Involved in a serious relationship that began around or less than a year ago and has been a whirlwind of passion since the moment you laid eyes on each other. You are madly in love and are probably going to get engaged in the next six months. Congrats!
The Social Media Narcissist
Your Wall Consists Of: Links from other websites presented with your own pithy commentary; mobile uploads of people on the subway with weird haircuts or outfits presented with your own pithy commentary; and an ever-evolving series of profile images of you looking your “best.” Everything you post gets tons of comments from friends who read your wall as if it’s an RSS feed.
You Are: Clearly bored at work and consider your Facebook presence to be an essential part of your creative expression since your boss obviously doesn’t understand you.
The Desperate To Remain “With It” New Mom
Your Wall Consists Of: Photos of your baby; status updates about crawling and eating solids or inquiring which movie that came out a year ago you and your husband should rent on OnDemand, peppered with photos of you out smoking and drinking with the girls.
You Are: A new mom who really didn’t think her social life would suffer in the wake of dirty diapers and sleep training, but alas… Still, you make an effort to stay up to date on the latest pop culture trends and have a wild night every month or two.
The Ambitious But Emotionally Stunted Over-Achiever
Your Wall Consists Of: Inspirational quotes from people like Simone de Beauvoir and Gandhi; mobile uploads of the various races you’re running, building up to this summer’s triathalon; and links to articles with fitness and goal-achievement tips.
You Are: Obsessed with outdoing yourself in everything you do, whether it be work or fitness, with the exception of becoming more emotionally available to the people in your life.
The Creatively Unfulfilled Artist
Your Wall Consists Of: iPhone photos of mundane objects or places made to look artsy with the help of Instagram; links to the knitted scarves you’re selling in your Etsy shop; and status updates about the photographer you assist being a total moody bitch.
You Are: A former art student whose own aspirations have been stifled by a need to pay the bills. Not having the time to focus on creating your own art has made you bitter about those who do and you’re considering going back to school to study corporate law because, f**k, if you can’t make art, you might as well make money.
The Music Snob
Your Wall Consists Of: Video clips you shot at concerts for undiscovered bands held in dank basements; links to Pitchfork album reviews (which you call either “meh” or “brilliant”; and status updates memorializing the death of some obscure punk rock icon.
You Are: A card-carrying music nerd who would rather listen to Celine Dion’s greatest hits on repeat for 24 hours then head to Coachella to watch a bunch of sell-out “indie” rock bands play in the blistering heat for three days. You think Arcade Fire f**king sucks and Jack White should just die already.
The Too Cool For Facebook Facebooker
Your Wall Consists Of: Basically nothing. A few friend notifications, a status update from eight months ago that was actually posted by a spambot, and other people’s photos in which you’ve been tagged. Your employment information is out of date and your profile details are barely filled out.
You Are: freaked out by social media and don’t deign to participate. Don’t bother to ask why you have a profile because you don’t understand it either. Why does anyone care what your favorite band is? And wait, one of your so-called “friends” tagged you in a photo? You’re logging on right now to untag yourself.
The Social Media Co-Dependent
Your Wall Consists Of: Status updates crowd-sourcing your 800+ friend list about their opinions on everything from which movie should win Best Picture at the Oscars to gynecologist recommendations; recent Farmville and MobWars triumphs; cross-posts from your Twitter and Tumblr feeds; and “check-in” updates from FourSquare for every place you’ve been in the last six months, including the gynecologist recommended by a high school friend you reconnected with on Facebook, despite having hated each other 15 years ago.
You Are: You don’t eat, drink, sleep, or take a s**t without asking your Facebook friends for their opinions on how and where you should do it, and then telling them all about it after you’re done.
The Begrudgingly Single Woman
Your Wall Consists Of: Photos of your dog humping her chew toy; YouTube videos of Ryan Gosling playing the ukelele; inspirational quotes from ’90s-era pop culture heros like David Silver of “90210″ and Courtney Love; photos of you posing with other people’s kids; and self-deprecating status updates about your sexual promiscuity.
You Are: Ready to pick up where “Cathy” left off. You don’t have a boyfriend, but you want one, preferably who has the same mix of rugged good looks and ironic old-timey-ness of your celebrity crush. You thought you would have kids of your own by now, but it’s probably good that you don’t, since you drink a little too much. In other words, you are ME.