Dear Wendy Updates: “Sexless Bride” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Sexless Bride” whose brand-new husband had completely lost interest in sex with her and refused to see a doctor or a therapist about it, explaining that he simply wasn’t sexually attracted to her any longer. After the jump, find out if they’re still together and whether they’ve been able to get past his sexual issues.

Hi Wendy, I just thought I’d send you an update on my situation. My husband and I went back to the doctor after he started having dizzy spells on top of his other symptoms that I discussed in my first letter. After some testing, it turns out that he has type 2 diabetes as well as some hormonal problems. This was the cause of his lack of sexual desire and feelings towards me. After a couple of months of adjusting to new medication, we are doing well. He may always have some issues in terms of sexual response due to his diabetes (he has it pretty badly, unfortunately), but compared to the other possible complications of this disease, we have bigger things to worry about.

I just really want other women to know that when a man’s sexual desire wanes, it doesn’t automatically mean that he is cheating or gay, etc. It certainly doesn’t mean that you should cut and run, as was suggested. This experience has brought us closer, since his moods and emotions have now stabilized and he can express how grateful he is that I didn’t leave him when he needed me the most, in spite of the fact that he felt he couldn’t express himself. He was so frustrated and embarrassed, but now we understand that he has a medical problem and he isn’t less of a man because of it. He and I have often discussed the double standards that exist: if a woman’s sexual desire wanes, it means she may need medical attention, mental help, more understanding from the spouse, etc., but if a man has the same problem, he is either lying or abnormal and the wife needs to run away. Hopefully, this attitude will change someday.

I hope that other people will learn from this. Just because you hit a bump in the road doesn’t mean that you should give up on marriage. Marriage should be for life … I realize that things arise and I don’t believe in people being unhappy with someone forever, but at the same time, marriage isn’t something you just toss away at the first sign of trouble.

Well, what a relief that your husband finally went to the doctor! And while your message is an important reminder to people, I also want to remind readers that the reason you were advised to “cut and run,” as you say, is because not only was your brand-new husband’s sexual desire waning, but also because he was refusing to go to the doctor, telling you that he was not sexually attracted to you any longer, and only loved you as a “family member.” This disturbing admission was further complicated by the fact that you had previously been long-distance with him until you moved from the U.S. to marry him, so your in-person, face-to-face experience with him was very limited. At any rate, I’m so happy your husband is getting the help he needs and I sincerely hope you are able to save your marriage as a result.

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