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How I Knew He Wasn’t The One

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In the latest issue of Glamour, there’s this really interesting feature called “How I Knew” which features short little essays by men on “how they knew” certain things: “How I Knew I Really Would Marry Her,” “How I Knew I Was Going To Cheat,” etc. My favorite of the bunch was “How I Knew She Wasn’t The One,” in which writer Adam Sternbergh rather humorously describes how he knew various women weren’t “the one” until he finally did meet the one who was. Now, I’m not really a big believer in “the one,” so to speak, as I think we all have lots of of ones, but I am a big believer that we have even more people in our lives who were NOT the one and we can usually pinpoint one particular moment when that became clear. So, in the vein of Sternbergh’s essay for Glamour, here’s my own “How I Knew He Wasn’t The One.”

  1. We met online dating and I thought you were a dead ringer for Christian Bale. We went out on a date and though you looked even more like Bale in person, I knew you weren’t The One because you talked non-stop about college football the entire time and didn’t ask me one question about myself. It was still fun making out though.
  2. You told me you were a Marine Biologist, but really you worked in the fish department at a pet store and that’s how I knew you weren’t The One.
  3. The sex was great, but your conservative political leanings gave me a bad vibe. Still, we were having fun together, until you got mad at me when I yelled at some abortion protesters and I was completely sure then that you weren’t The One.
  4. We went on a really awesome date, but then you told me you had a crush on me for a while, even though we had never met before and so I got creeped out because you were definitely not The One.
  5. You told me I had too many prints in my wardrobe. The One would never say such a thing.
  6. You keep saying that timing is everything and the timing is wrong and even though I really want you to be The One, I think the timing will never be right for both of us.
  7. You told me you’re not really “into dating,” so even though I would have liked to date you, that’s how I knew you weren’t The One.
  8. You ended our engagement without warning. Not. The. One.
  9. You were my first kiss and the first person to touch my boob, but then you said something about a lot of women lying about rape and I was, like, “Mayday mayday, NOT THE ONE!!!”
  10. Oh my God, you had massive balls and you lied about one of my best friends — what was I thinking? Not The One!
  11. You married someone else. Not The One, I guess.
  12. You told me I was a girl with great skin and you were a guy with pimples and when you reiterated that “pimples = issues, ” I knew you couldn’t be The One because DUH.
  13. You said you were not a dog person so Lucca and I had a pow-wow and agreed you weren’t The One.
  14. You wanted to have anal sex the first time we hooked up and even though you were so good-looking and practically perfect in every other way, I was sure then that you were not The One because The One would wait until at least date three or four for that nonsense.
  15. We met when I was a teenager and you were in your early 20s and even though I spent years hoping and praying and envisioning that you were The One, you knew I wasn’t, and that was enough for me to know you weren’t The One.
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