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Mind Of Man: Why Douchebags Are Called Douchebags

Douchebags were a conspiracy of the patriarchy, a medieval-looking invention that simultaneously suggested that female sex organs were filthy, stinky and repulsive to men, and promised to cure this imaginary affliction. But it doesn’t cure anything. Douchebags can, in fact, upset the natural bacterial culture of the vagina that protects the organ from infection.

There’s also the small matter that unwashed men and women can rid themselves of odorous funks by showering regularly, or even semi-regularly. Vaginas smell like sex and sex smells good. Nibble your lower lip and roll your eyes into the back of the skull good. It is one of those scents that inspire immediate physical reactions. The smell of warm bread makes you drool. The smell of a roaring fires makes you cuddly. The smell of sex makes your skin glow like the digital warriors in “Tron Legacy.”

Men who are selfish, obnoxious baboons who refuse to take responsibility for their poorly thought-out actions are called “douchebags” because that antiquated feminine hygiene product was sold to women by men who didn’t think their nuts smelled like ass butter.

There. Got that off my chest. For the sake of accuracy, I’ll mention that douches were also marketed as birth control devices, and are as effective in that regard as duct-taping the tip of a penis. But I’m serious when I say that douchebags were created by, literally, The Man to keep a sister down. One way to control humans is to control their sexual appetite. One way to control sexual appetite is to broadcast sexual stereotypes. Sex is dirty. Genitals are dirty. Women are dirty. Voila (which is Frenchese for “OH SNAP!”) I don’t believe that the oppression of women was an organized effort, per se. To be fair, it was most likely an ad hoc strategy devised on the fly by thoughtless dudes cobra-tapping one another at the frat temple. I imagine the birth of the idea went something like this:

HIGH PRIEST DONGUS: These women are smart, and strong and I don’t want to share all of my rad stuff with them. I suppose eventually we’ll have to make everything equal. But I wish there was a way to slow that down, you know, for a couple few millennium.

TESTUCLES THE ENGORGED: Well, noble bro, they’re just as horny as the rest of us. What if we tell them, over and over and over again, that their vagina is disgusting?

HIGH PRIEST DONGUS: But it’s not. It’s a wonderful silky bugle of earthly diversion!

TESTUCLES THE ENGORGED: Yes, yes. I know that. But if we tell them the opposite, we’ll have the upper hand! They’ll be so paranoid that their sacred envelope of the gods is repulsive, that we can dictate when sex happens. They’ll be so relieved when we deign to rock their world AND they’ll be so busy cleaning themselves, we can grab even more rad stuff.

Centuries later, enter a nozzle, a bag, water, and vinegar. The douchebag is a potent symbol of one gender’s chief crime against its own species, which is a lack of empathy and imagination. A failure to accept that if douchebags exist, then why aren’t there any dick and balls Sham-Wows? If women are so stinky that they require their own cleansing device, then men should have one as well. Stink is the great equalizer, right? But, you know, as I wrote earlier … soap and water suffice.

Oh, before I forget: humans have a tradition of being notably rotten to their own kind. Take a moment and make a personal accounting. Do you try to walk a mile in your neighbor’s pants? Metaphorically? I know, for one, that I could try harder to empathize with my fellow passenger on spaceship Earth. So I’m calling out bros because a little self-reflection never hurt anyone who accepts that actions must be owned up to. I am not saying that women are without sin. Just not in this blog rant.

Men who are selfish, obnoxious baboons who refuse to take responsibility for their poorly thought-out actions are called “douchebags” because that antiquated feminine hygiene product was sold to women by men who didn’t think their nuts smelled like ass butter.

Douchebags are entitled princes who deny other human beings their humanity. They would be content to allow a woman to use a douchebag, as if she were a couch with fingers that could spray Febreze on itself. Douchebags are amateur sociopaths singularly concerned with their own pleasure and pain.

Men who are douchebags think, somehow, they are special flowers with beef jerky petals. Men who think they can write the rules in the snow with their own hot urine. They are men who cannot man up, little boys who don’t share their rad stuff and who don’t play well with others. A douchebag is a douchebag because he smelt it and unknowingly dealt it. Let’s try not to be one, okey-dokes?

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