Dear Wendy: “He’s Stable, But I’m Bored”

After dating guys who weren’t very good for me, I met a stable, solid, loving man who treats me very well. I’ve been trying hard to make this work, but I can’t seem to develop an emotional connection with him. I keep thinking it’s because he’s just not full of the rush and drama of past relationships, and that I’ve been mistaking drama for love, and don’t know what to do with a good relationship. But it’s been a few months now and I just don’t feel a rush — ever. I don’t know what to do. — Love Stumped

If it had just been a couple weeks, I’d tell you to hang in there and give the guy — and your relationship — a chance. Sometimes it just takes a while for the passion to build. And if you’re a recovering drama junkie, it’s a good idea to sort of train yourself to be patient and find a new path toward love since the destructive relationships of your past haven’t worked. But, a few months in and still no emotional connection, and no rush ever? MOA, darlin’. Sounds like you’ve traded in drama for the other extreme: total boredom. Keep looking for a happy medium: a stable, solid, loving man who treats you well and makes your toes curl. They’re out there, I promise. And for good measure, get yourself to therapy so you can address any issues that may be standing in your way of a healthy relationship.

Longtime reader here…although sometimes I don’t want to admit that I read The Frisky, I figure it’s better to learn about women straight from the source rather than from other men. Anyway, I met a woman about a year ago and in July we started a long-distance relationship. Soon after, I started grad school about four hours from her and although things were going OK, in November we agreed to break up. The whole time I had doubts about whether I wanted to be with her long-term, but I couldn’t pin-point exactly why. After the breakup, I thought a lot about what had happened and realized that it was the result of some of my emotional issues. I have taken steps to work on some of these issues already (such as seeing a counselor at school).

I now realize that I was focusing on the wrong things and letting those issues poison my thinking about her and I was also afraid of commitment. Now I know that I want her back. We started talking and it was clear that she had been very hurt and would have trouble trusting me again, and for good reason. After a few weeks of talking, she finally said she couldn’t risk getting hurt again and broke off contact. This crushed me. I sent her what I thought was a thoughtful Christmas gift and letter expressing my desire to be patient and show her I can be trusted. She did thank me for it but didn’t say much else. It is clear she doesn’t want to talk to me. I guess this is her answer about us getting back together but I am firmly convinced that I can make her happy. I’m a good guy, treated her with respect, and she fell in love with me. I know she needs her space but should I just give up completely and move on or shoot her a text or email every few weeks to let her know I’m still interested? There will be an event I could go to in early March that she will most likely be at with lots of mutual friends. Should I wait and hope to talk to her then? I’m just sick about how I treated her and desperately want to have her back and am willing to put in the work to do it! What should I do? I’m also aware that if she wrote you about our situation you’d probably tell her to MOA, so I’m fighting quite the uphill battle… — Desperate and Stupid for Letting Her Go

I would definitely not recommend texting or emailing her every few weeks to let her know you’re still interested. That’s a fast-track to stalkerville and creeping the poor girl out. You told her you want to get back together and she told you she can’t risk getting hurt again. You’ve got your answer and you need to respect that and leave her alone. Without knowing the details of what transpired between you, I’d say that there could be a slim chance, if you play your cards right and truly give her some space and prove to her that you were serious about being patient, that she could possibly, maybe have a change of heart. But you’ll blow that minimal chance to smithereens if you start bombarding her with texts and emails every few weeks. Wait til March and if you see her at that event, be friendly and respectful. Don’t pull her aside for a heart-to-heart. Chat with her like you would any other friend or acquaintance you haven’t seen in awhile. Don’t follow her around all night and don’t give her creepy eyes from across the room. Be cool! After it’s over and a day or two has gone by, then you can call her or send an email (no text) about how good it was to see her, how much you’ve missed her, and how, if she has it in her heart to give you one more chance, you’d love nothing more than to show her you are worthy. And if she says “no”? Drop it, move on and let her live her life. This is the way to play it, my friend. Anything else will be screwing up.

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