I got an S.O.S call from my friend Sylvia last night. After only three online dates, she was on the brink of insanity. We debriefed about her dates from hell and I had to be the bearer of bad news. “You are picking the wrong guys.”
“How do you know?” she asked, mortified.
“Show me their profiles and I’ll tell you why.”Twenty minutes later I was deep into an OKCupid intervention, looking through profile after douchebag profile. And yes. The guys she went out with were wrong. After pointing out phrases that made dudes potentially undateable, I found a few gems that she never would have picked, but seemed well-worthy of a chance. I can’t believe some of the crap that these dudes were saying about themselves. I mean, you have the opportunity to put your best foot forward and you go and tell the ladies the very worst things about yourself? It’s shocking. But even more shocking is the fact that intelligent, good-looking ladies (like Sylvia) don’t even notice. Below are some online profile phrases that let you know he’s a mess.
- “I’m looking for fun!” This guy is NOT looking for a serious relationship. He just told you so. He’s not lying. He most likely rents party buses and lives on the couch of his old frat house. If fun and just fun is also what you’re looking for, message him. If not, click on through, sister.
- “My life is under construction. Bring your hard hat.” One fine gentleman actually phrased it like this. This man is floundering. He is lost at sea in his life. He doesn’t know who the hell he is or what the hell is looking for in a woman. Forget it.
- “I hate most people. Good god. Why is he advertising this? Well, the good news is, you know he’s a total misanthrope and you don’t have to spend a long, miserable first date with him.
- “I spend my spare time obsessing about my hairline.” This phrase, coupled with 17 pictures of him in a beanie, tips us off to the fact that he hasn’t accepted his baldness. Being bald is hot, but only if the guy is at peace with it. Fifty bucks says there’s other major things he’s not at peace with.
- “Don’t message me if you haven’t read [insert snooty literary cannon here].” You self-righteous intellectual snob. I have read Nietzsche, you ass. But if that’s a requirement to meet me for a cup of coffee, you are the stupid one, my friend.
- “I am looking for someone to make me forget about my ex girlfriend.” What did you say? I can’t hear you. Your baggage is in the way. Next.
- “I’m working on my fourth MA.” This guy has been a student for 29 years!? I’m all for higher education, but he just doesn’t want to get a job.
- “I’m not into romance.” Cool. Thanks for letting me know. I absolutely can’t WAIT to go on a date with you.