Yesterday, we shared the 10 Commandments Of Dating (For Men). In the interest of gender equality and giving the menfolk a chance to respond, we’ve given a token straight male the floor. Reaching across the aisle and such. After the jump, 10 Dating Commandments (For Women).Commandment #1: Thou shalt not take forever to finish your drink.
Nursing your by-now warm beer/watered-down cocktail creates a drab mood not unlike the experience of going to church. Keep up with your date’s drink, and if you don’t want another, order a soda or something, but don’t take those lame-ass teeny tiny sips. It’s just annoying.
Commandment #2: Thou shalt not keep us up post orgasm.
A wise sage once said, “Men are simple creatures. They have an on switch, and an off switch.” Can you guess the situation in which they are “off”? Exactly. So don’t prattle on about God knows what after we “release.” Let us enjoy the moment before making our way to slumberland.
Commandment #3: Thou shalt not talk way more than we do.
Have you ever been in a meeting where someone is talking way, way too much? Nothing is worse. This is the same feeling we get when you are going on and on about you, yourself, and you again. Even if you’re hot, sitting there listening for too long is torture. Ask us some questions too.
Commandment #4: Thou shalt not refuse to pay for anything.
News flash for the ladies: dating is really expensive. If the guy is a class act, he’s going to take you to a decent place where you will have at least two drinks each and some food. This comes out to close to $100 each date, at least. Be mindful of this and, while you certainly don’t need to pay for the major stuff, definitely make a serious effort to pay for the smaller items — cabs, a beer here, a movie there. And don’t just pretend to try to pay — actually do it. It’s not so much about the money as it is the gesture, and he will appreciate it.
Commandment #5: Thou shalt not give us the cheek on the kiss goodnight.
The cheek? What is this, “The Andy Griffith Show”? You just spent a good couple hours of your life with this person who (hopefully) just bought you dinner and drinks. Be polite and give him a smack on the lips, even if you don’t plan on seeing him again. If he tries to slip you the tongue, abort quickly.
Commandment #6: Thou shalt not wear flats.
Women always give guys s**t for their poor choice in shoes, but flats on a date is the ultimate sin. Shoes are your thing, and if you care more about comfort than putting your best foot forward, so to speak, at this phase in the process, it’s a sign of bad things — stained sweatpants and Ugg boots — to come.
Commandment #7: Thou shalt not strike up a long conversation with the bartender or another patron.
Okay, Miss Friendly. It’s great that you’re social, extroverted and fun, but you’re not here to talk about rescuing dogs with the bartender. You’re here to talk about that bulls**t with me. So don’t be a Good-Time Charlotte and focus on the present company.
Commandment #8: Thou shalt not hold us up to your knight in shining armor fantasy.
Somehow, someone sold you the idea that you deserve a gallant man who will hold doors for you, hail you a cab, tower over you in height, wear a suit, be there for you when you are being whiny and obnoxious, and generally treat you like a princess. Those guys are tools, and you know you won’t like them anyway, so don’t try and hold us to that stupid standard.
Commandment #9: Thou shalt not have bad breath.
Extra! Extra! If it’s the end of the day and you haven’t brushed your teeth, chances are your breath stinks. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you are immune from mouth bacteria – it can and will smell just as bad as your math teacher’s in 7th grade. Brush before you go out.
Commandment #10: Thou shalt not get all dramatic if we hook up “too soon.”
If it’s the first or second date and we sleep together, don’t spaz out and cite the statistic about things not working out when you hook up too soon. You will ruin the moment (see #2), and we’ll think you are uptight and spazzy. If it works out, cool. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.
Matt Brand runs a parody dating blog called Love In The Dumps. He’s a big fan of The Frisky, for obvious reasons.