An Open Letter To Taylor Swift After Being Dumped By Jake Gyllenhaal

Dear Taylor Swift,

I heard that you and Jake Gyllenhaal are kapput. I could have called that one from a mile away. I don’t mean to pour salt in that gaping wound, but we all knew it was just a matter of time. US Weekly is reporting that you are “devastated” that Jake kicked you to the curb because he was “uncomfortable with the attention” and “could feel the age difference.” Eh. Whatever. I guess that makes sense. Jake is almost 30 and you are barely of legal drinking age. The hardest thing about being 21 is that you don’t know what you don’t know. And there’s A LOT you don’t know yet. It doesn’t matter how mature for your age or how many Grammys you have sitting on your night stand, you are still 21.

You are a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young fawn. You’re open, vulnerable, naive, pure, talented. All great qualities. Just not always the most optimal for dating. I’m going to give it to you straight. You have to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve with the menfolk. Hold back a little. Wait. Take it easy. It can’t be all ponies, rainbows, family meetings, coffee shop hopping, and wedding talk in the first month of dating. Slow your roll! The first month in a new relationship is about the slow reveal, about knowing what to uncover and what to leave for later, about keeping your feelings at bay until the guy (I don’t care about how smokin’ hot or famous he is) proves himself to be consistent, kind-hearted, and on the same page as you romantically.

I know you will write an angry love song, that will no doubt find its way to number one on the Billboard charts. Maybe you’ll call it “He’s Probably Gay.” If only I were a songwriter! I’d have a million hit records about the men who turned out to be lame. But I digress. Taylor, you have an awe inspiring career. I mean, you have a freaking wax doll! If that’s not making it big, I don’t know what is. The world is yours. And you have all of your 20s to find Mr. Right. Take a chill pill, sister. Don’t be in a rush to be a grown-up. Here’s hoping your broken heart mends Swiftly. Hee hee, I couldn’t resist.