It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man likes being woken up to a BJ. It’s like friggin’ Christmas morning, any day of the year. But us ladies? Not so much. Feel free to correct me if you feel otherwise, but there’s something creepy and invasive about the idea of waking up with someone’s mouth or sex organ around our lady bits. In fact, if the Wikileaks/Julian Assange nonsense has taught us anything (and please, I hope it has taught us something), it is that initiating sex with a woman while she is asleep is sexual assault. Obviously, if she is asleep, she cannot consent. But beyond the legal definition of sexual assault, a half-awakened lady may not be so willing to receive a special morning “surprise” of something she otherwise normally likes. Speaking strictly for myself, I need to be “warmed up” before a guy goes spelunking down there.Creepy Australian vigilantes aside, I don’t think many men try to perform intercourse or oral sex while a woman’s asleep, just because it seems technically difficult. Our genitalia is hiding under layers inside of us, after all. But a man’s “morning wood” seems to be indicating, even whilst experiencing REM, that they are ready and willing. Verbally, this has been confirmed to me many times: “Anytime you want to wake me up by giving me a blow job, go ahead and do it,” “You can wake me up with a blow job … I’d love that,” and so on.
Why is it that men seem turned on by something that isn’t consensual? Why is that “surprise” so wonderful for them while many women would consider sex-initiated-while-I-was-sleeping to be sexual assault? Does it have to do with the fact men (generally speaking) have the privilege of going through life from age, like, 12 on without knowing in the back of their mind they could be sexually assaulted? (Of course men are also raped —one in 33, according to the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network — but the way men and women are socialized by our culture to fear rape is completely different.) Or is it because many women, myself included, need to be physically “warmed up” before sex while guys’ bodies seem to be ready and willing beyond their control? And does the what-seems-to-be-common male experience of wanting sex initiated while they’re asleep distort how empathetic they can be to our experiences with the subject?
These questions don’t have any answers — at least not any easy ones. And I know I’m probably over-thinking blow jobs here. But whenever a guy has told me he wants me to put my mouth on him while he’s off in dreamland, I can’t help but think, “Um …. why?”