In Praise Of Angry Sex
Mostly, I’m a girl who mopes when she’s upset. I’m not intending to be passive-aggressive: I simply turn inwards when I feel disappointed, sad or hurt. Like many women, none of those feelings leave room for me to feel at all sexual. I simply cannot compartmentalize myself like that. Up until recently, I would have added “angry” to the list of adjectives that are a personal boner killer. And then I had angry sex and realized, “This. Is. Awesome.” I don’t want to get into specifics for privacy’s sake, but let it suffice to say it hasn’t been all rose petals and kittens lately for me and Mr. Jessica. Increasingly, in the past few days/weeks, I’ve been upset, frustrated and, yes, angry, for large swaths of the day and night. The problem is, I am also crazily horny. Last night, I had an orgasm while I was sleeping; a few nights ago, I had a sex dream about Jon Hamm. (Cliché, I know, but … siiiiigh.) Waking hours are no reprieve, either. So even though I was feeling angry and frustrated and other icky just-leave-me-alone emotions, I scratched the itch.
And it turned out to be an amazing form of aggression relief. All the pent-up feelings were released, all the knots untied, and at the end of it I felt like we had been through something together. I felt as good as you think you might feel (or as you do feel) if you went around breaking plates when you’re angry: I feel so much better now. It wasn’t particularly tender, nor intimate, but it did make me feel like I was channeling my frustration into something fun that felt good.
One girl friend agrees with me. “I love angry sex,” she IMed me. “It helps you get less mad at each other. Plus: endorphins!” It probably helps that I already enjoy aggressive behaviors in the bedroom: restraint, spanking, gentle biting. Angry sex can be like rough sex, but with actual emotions behind it. But Amelia also likes dominant sex, too, and angry sex holds no appeal for her. “I’m not horny when I’m mad,” she IMed me. “Like, if i have a boyfriend and we’re fighting, i don’t want to f**k him because I’m too upset.” Julie agreed: “I can’t really do it. I’m too much of a Sensitive Sally.”
Girls, listen to me: I am easily one of the top 10 most sensitive people alive and even I enjoyed it.
I would be happy, of course, to never have angry or frustrated sex again. I would prefer to have my usual buffet of kissing, hugging and tenderness. But maybe now I have a new mantra for mitigating those negative emotions: make love, not war.