Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Angelina And Brad Secretly Married? Jessica Simpson Busted Up A Marriage?

While you were busy gorging on figgy pudding last week, the intrepid reporters of our favorite tabloids were busily making phone calls and digging through trash cans to bring you the week’s latest gossip. And there are some pretty juicy possibilities this week—from the rumor that Cameron Diaz is itching to have babies with Alex Rodriguez to the allegation that Taylor Swift is using Jake Gyllenhaal to make Taylor Lautner jealous. After the jump, the choicest stories from this week’s batch of tabloids. I’d estimate that 12 percent of these things are true.

  • Even though Cameron Diaz has said she isn’t so into the idea of having kidlets, In Touch swears that she is ready for a baby after going to Cabo San Lucas with Alex Rodriguez. “Getting to know Alex’s daughters really got her biological clock ticking,” a source said. “[Alex] is ready to get married again and he has always wanted a son!” Sheesh, and here we thought they were just skimboarding.
  • In another tale of celebs backtracking on their stated intentions, the magazine also claims that Angelina Jolie and Bad Pitt tied the knot in a secret wedding in late November at the Seychelles Island. Apparently, the wedding wasn’t legally binding and was mainly a show for the kids. But still, the mag says that both Brangelina halves have been spotted wearing simple gold bands—just not on their ring fingers—and that Johnny Depp recently slipped and called Brad Angelina’s “husband.” Which means it MUST be true.
  • Don’t let the swoon-worthy guitar Christmas present fool you. In Touch has insider info that Taylor Swift is just dating Jake Gyllenhaal to make her real love, Taylor Lautner, jealous. A source says, “She’s physically more attracted to Taylor than Jake. She would dump him in a minute if Taylor would take her back.” Well, good. More Jake for me. [In Touch]

  • Wuh woh. The cover of Star Magazine proclaims, “Jessica’s a Homewrecker.” According to the mag, Eric Johnson was not only married when he met the pop princess—his wife was with him when he went to a party at Jessica’s house. His former wife, Keri Johnson, is a fashion stylist and is heartbroken over Eric’s new engagement. We hear all this not from her, but from a mysterious “source,” naturally.
  • Ready to hear about a “Hush-Hush Hookup”? Apparently Shenae Grimes—of “90210” and “Degrassi”—has been lured into John Mayer’s evil web. Supposedly, “John wants to keep it low profile for once.” While Shenae “just doesn’t seem to get that he’s not the kind of guy to fall for too deeply.” Run Shenae, run.
  • The highlight, err, lowlight of this issue is a 12-page spread of “Stars WITHOUT MAKEUP.” Yes, you read that correctly—this is 12 pages worth of material. In it, we learn that most stars don’t look so hot sans foundation, eyeliner, and blush. But that Jessica Alba is beautiful no matter what. [Star]

  • We haven’t looked at a National Enquirer in a while. So let’s change that, mmmkay? This week’s cover story is a doozy: “Who’s Gay And Who’s Not In Hollywood.” In the spread, we learn the Sandra Bullock isn’t and that George Michael is. Yeah, duh. But the real highlight of the article is the first line: “Forget ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Classy.
  • In proposal news—because it seems like every celeb has gotten engaged in the past week—the Enquirer says Alexander Skarsgard is “Taking A Bite Out Of Marriage.” That’s code for that he’s planning to propose to Kate Bosworth. And supposedly, Jason Trawick proposed to Britney Spears on their recent trip to Mexico and she said, “N-O.”
  • Wow, the National Enquirer smells really funny. Is it the stank of unsubstantiated gossip? [National Enquirer]

  • Zzzzzzz, zzzzzzz. That was the sound of me snoozing while reading the new issue of People. Rather than shower us with the usual dose of new stories, this week’s double issue is the equivalent of a recap episode of your favorite television show. It rounds up the best and worst of 2010. But here are a few items that caught our interest …
  • On page 124, a photo shows Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez in their bathroom, washing up, wearing matching PJs. Suddenly we are jealous all over again.
  • A sidebar on page 82 reveals that Robert Pattinson’s ancestry can actually be traced back to Vlad the Impaler, the dude who inspired vampire tales. And that Ozzy Osbourne has actual Neanderthal genes.
  • And another sidebar on page 90 tells us that, if they weren’t famous, Serena Williams would want to be a nail tech and Kim Kardashian would be a makeup artist. They should totally go into business together.
  • On page 140, we finally get a look at Nicole Richie and Joel Madden’s wedding. All I can say is that Nicole’s dress isn’t as cutting edge as I would have hoped for. Heck, it looks a little ’80s. [People]