Well, 2011 is almost upon us. After a year of sluttin’ it up and having a grand ol’ time doing it, I feel very ready to meet someone special. A boyfriend, a partner-in-crime, if you will. With that in mind, I’ve already made some dating resolutions for the upcoming year, and have noted the 10 types of guys I plan to avoid now that I’m looking for a relationship with some depth, not to mention an exchange of last names. Having been actively online dating for the last year, I have definitely “put myself out there,” to use the annoying phrase lobbed around by advice-filled smug monogamists, but I also think I need to be more open-minded about WHO to date. Here are the 7 types of guys to date in 2011.1. The Guy With One Big (Shallow) Dealbreaker: Although I do have a “type” of guy I find particularly attractive — swarthy Paul Bunyan-types who are good with their hands and appreciate spicy food — I have dated a wide variety of men. Short, tall, chubby, skinny, indie, fratty, conservative, Marxists, whatever: I’m pretty open-minded. I have not, however, been very ingratiating with bald men. I know, I know, bald men can be very sexy, apparently. Some women prefer a chrome dome. I am not one of them. My girl boner does not immediately respond to a receding hairline or closely cropped cranium. But then again, I have not really given one a shot. So maybe I will in 2011. Because you never know.
2. The Set-Up: Do you have someone in your life who’s been saying for months or years, “You know, I really want to set you up with so-and-so. I think you guys would really hit it off,” and then it never happens, either because you’re kind of unenthusiastic or timing has gotten in the way or you saw a pic and were kind of “meh” on the whole thing? Yeah, well in 2011, call that friend up and say, “Hey, are you still interested in setting me up with so-and-so? I’m game.” Why not?
3. The Guy You Said You Would Never Date Again: After my ex broke my heart, I struggled to pin his emotional failings on something tangible, eventually landing on his profession (ad sales) taking over his personal life. “I’ll never date a sales guy again!’ I cried. Yeah, well, flash forward two years and I’ve met other ad sales guys and guess what? They’re not ALL fake emotionally f**kwits. Also, ad sales dudes run rampant in NYC, so I really would be shrinking the pool if I ruled them out entirely.
4. The Older Guy: The other day my friend Teri asked me, “Would you ever consider dating someone older?” I had, I told her — my last boyfriend was 10 years older than I was. Of course, he was 40 going on 25… “Exactly,” Teri said. “You need to date a guy who’s older in age and in maturity.” She’s probably right. Even though I always joke that my inner age is 13, due to my insatiable appetite for vintage Sweet Valley High novels and teenage crush on Ryan Gosling, I am actually an old soul. I like to stay in at night and cook dinner and watch movies and read before tucking in before midnight. I don’t like bars or clubs and can’t stay up later than 1 a.m. without the aid of illegal substances (which I of course do not do). Ultimately, I want someone who shares my love of History Channel marathons and Crock Pot cooking. The bonus is that an older guy who’s down for chillin’ with his boo indoors on a Friday night probably isn’t the type to say, “Yeah, I’m not really looking for something serious.”
5. The Younger Guy: A girl I went to college with just got engaged to a hot, nice, funny guy who is five years younger than her. End of story.
6. The Guy Who Is Just As Or More Successful Than I Am: I have this theory that I would have a lot more luck with dating if I was unemployed because I genuinely think both what I do (writing about, among other things, my life on the internet) and how well I do it is intimidating to many men. I would rather not be unemployed, so while I continue to hold out hope for that mythical creature known as the Completely Secure In His Manhood Guy, I’d like to date a dude who is pimp at what he does too. He could even be better at what he does than I am. That would be hot, not intimidating.
7. The Guy With Baggage: When I was in Tulum a couple weeks ago, I went to see the most amazing tarot card reader, who told me (via the cards) that the right man for me was someone who had been through hardship like I had, who had been deeply affected by it, but had come out the other side changed and better for it. I’ve made a stink about the perils of dating emotional cripples, but that’s not to say I want to date someone who’s lived a trouble-free life, someone who’s managed to escape hardship. (Does such a person actually exist?) I want to date a guy with baggage because I have baggage. I just want him to be aware that he’s got baggage, that he knows where he picked up every pound, and is actively working to lessen the load.