This column originally appeared on The Frisky on December 24, 2008.
Trojan condoms report their highest sales of the year take place in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Researchers attribute this spike to holiday downtime, New Year’s resolutions to get knocked up, and booze-fueled Yuletide revelry. It seems counter-intuitive, and almost profane, that a holiday most associated with innocence and children would also be a holiday of steamy boot-knocking. But I suspect it has something to do with my favorite Christmas movie. And my favorite Christmas movie isn’t even a Christmas movie.
I find Christmas … sexy. There is something about a hottie in a sexy Santa outfit that does it for me. I know that’s pervy, but the kinky little things that turn us all on are usually involuntary reactions. Like love. I had a girlfriend once who dressed as a sexy Mrs. Claus, complete with fishnets, and that really spiked my nog. (It is my right as a writer to make my very own “egg nog” innuendo.)
The holiday season is a complex time: a time of anxiety, reflection, family, friends, and lovers. It’s the Winter Solstice, when the ancient pagans fought off the dark, unforgiving cold with dancing, revels, and warm, glowing fire. Lest we forget, it’s also a time of somberly joyful religious celebration. It also happens to be the usually dependable engine of our grotesque consumerist culture. But none of this explains why we’re horny.
My favorite Christmas movie? “The Princess Bride.” True story. It happens to be the most dude-friendly chick flick of all time. So what’s the connection between “The Princess Bride,” Christmas, and sexy time?
“The Princess Bride” is awesome because it’s a smirking, unsentimental movie about love. All love. Romantic love, love between friends, love between a grandfather and a grandson. It’s about quiet, knowing devotion. It makes this case hilariously, without any of the ostentatious fodder that plagues so many movies about love.
It reminds me that at this time of year, love is the law. At its core, the holiday season is about those you love, regardless of whether or not they give love back to you.
I’m going back to Texas to hang with my family. We’re going to eat BBQ, laugh, and appreciate our tumultuous, imperfect, and total devotion to one another. And I’m going to watch “The Princess Bride.”
Single, I’ll be ensconced in a blissful cocoon of suburban excess. No nooky for Johnny this year.
Won’t one of you, please, get it on for me?