Being single around the holidays can get you extra seasonally depressed. Everywhere I go, I see couples choosing knickknacks together, making out in front of store windows, and drunkenly leaving parties early so they can go off and do it. Barf! Just kidding, it’s totally cute. I’ve been there and I’ve had a great time getting showered with expensive gifts from boyfriends! But something tells me I’m going to like being footloose and fancy-free this winter. After all, there are plenty of reasons to be happy that I didn’t stick with someone who wasn’t right for me just so I could cash in on a present … well, besides the fact that I’d have to shell out for a gift for him too. After the jump, what I’ve discovered about the grass being greener on the single side of the season …
1. I can finally wear that boner-killing beaded holiday sweater that makes me look like Leslie Hall! But it’s not exactly sexy, so when I’ve got a date to a seasonal holiday celebration, I usually feel like I have to try to look smokin’ and sophisticated. But since I’m single, I’m wearing a “so tacky it’s fabulous” metallic sweater with deer scampering across my boobs. No one would ever want to have sex with me after seeing it, so it works double as free birth control!
2. The only family I’m obligated to see is the one I’m related to. Yay, I can go to my own home and see my own family! Nothing can ruin a holiday quite like walking on eggshells around potential future-in-laws and having to sleep in separate rooms. This year, I’m not rehearsing a polite thank-you speech for a bad generic gift — or buying crap for a bunch of people I only just met at Thanksgiving.
4. I don’t have to feel bad if I get too drunk to screw. Egg nog is delicious, but after two cups of creamy goodness, there is no way I could have sexy times. This year, I am drinking three! Mmm, the sweet taste of freedom.
5. I do not have to do the walk of shame in the freezing cold.
6. I can focus on the press junket promoting myself when out at holiday parties stag. I’ll be able to scope out the other available congregating hotties! Plus, people will talk to me about me … not an “us.” Or worse yet, I won’t get trapped into talking to one person all night.
7. No, I’m not sitting with anyone, but yes, I will have a second slice of pie, thank you!
8. I can continue to hide my softer side. When I go to barter for a raise at my review, they won’t be able to picture me weak in the knees for a dude. My inner bitch will remain intact. Which brings me to …
9. I can randomly hook up with whomever I want, no mistletoe necessary. Here’s how!
10. I do not have to try to impress everyone with my cooking skills — or lack thereof. Every guy I’ve ever dated has asked me if I cook and I’ve lied to each and every one of them. “Sure, I’ll just whip up some of my grandma’s special latkes!” Please, my grandma doesn’t even cook! This year, I don’t have to hide any frozen food packages. No one is there to judge my skills.