What His Gift Really Says: Holiday Presents Decoded

When a commitment-phobe I had been dating for two months excitedly told me he had a present for me — “you’ll love it,” he assured me — I prepared myself for a thoughtful, romantic gesture of his relationship readiness. But when I walked into his bedroom, he instead pointed at a Starbucks iced coffee on his desk that I had left there after our third date. He thought he was being cute, but our relationship curdled shortly after. Whether intentional or not, your man’s gifts send a message. So what did his holiday gift say this year? Find out after the jump …

He got you: Holiday-themed chocolates

What it says:
“I bought this at the supermarket on the way over here, probably because I’m surprised that we made it to the holidays and hadn’t planned on getting you anything.”

He got you: Plane tickets for a romantic getaway
What it says: “I think our relationship is strong enough to withstand non-stop quality time and hearing/smelling each other’s bodily functions through the hotel’s bathroom door.”

He got you: A couple-friendly sex toy
What it says: “I’m tired of being on top.”

He got you: A solo sex toy just for you
What it says: “I’ve been fantasizing about this since the first time I saw you naked.”

He got you: A gym membership, after you’ve been complaining about how you want but can’t afford a gym membership

What it says: “I’m a little clueless, but thoughtful.”

He got you: A gym membership, despite you never mentioning your weight, exercise, or visiting a gym

What it says: “I’m clueless, and I’ll be sleeping on the couch this week.”

He got you: Anything he made himself

What it says: “If you weren’t sure how into you I am, the answer is very.”

He got you: A promise that your gift is on its way, coupled with mumbling about it being held up at the post office
What it says: “I just ordered it yesterday and didn’t even splurge for overnight shipping.”

He got you: Lingerie that’s totally your style

What it says: “I know what makes you feel sexy and I’m willing to spend an hour at Victoria’s Secret looking creepy to give it to you.”

He got you: Lingerie — before you’ve slept together
What it says: “I’m tired of going home with blue balls every Saturday night.”

He got you: A framed picture of the two of you
What it says: “I’m a cheesy romantic.”

He got you: A framed picture of the two of you, blown up to the size of your bedroom wall

What it says: “I hope the cheesy romance factor conceals the fact that I have a shrine to you in my room and am knitting mittens out of your hair.”

He got you: A pet for the two of you

What it says: “I’ve already booked a caterer and reception hall for our wedding, just in case. Don’t mind the shelf of baby name books in my living room.”

He got you: A pair of earrings

What it says: “I think you’re worth a million bucks — but I could only afford $79.99 at Zales.”

He got you: A gift certificate to a spa

What it says: “I want you to feel completely pampered while I picture you being oiled up and rubbed down.”

He got you: Extra RAM for your computer

What it says: “256 megabytes of file storage is the closest thing to flowers you’ll ever get from me, so if you want romance, keep looking.”

He got you: The breakup speech

What it says:
“You have my permission to spread the word that I’m bad in bed.”