Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Eva Longoria’s Having A Baby? Heidi’s A Frankenstein?

All the tabloids are doing their big wrap-ups this week, because they are shutting down shop until January. So that means they have a lot to cover, because not only do they have to recap the entire year, they have to make enough poorly backed-up predictions to last two weeks! What is strangely missing is any detailed investigative work on the most recent national crisis that is Miley Cyrus Bong-Gate. Read on to find out what the tabloids deemed to be the more important celebrity news to fill up the next fortnight of your life.

  • So amid this heavy flurry of end-of-the-year breakups, a few splits have gone relatively unnoticed. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are one of those now defunct couples that slid under the radar. But luckily for us, People sent out their top “reporters” on the case and found out that the “High School Musical” twosome split because “the relationship ran its course.” Don’t worry though, they are still “100 percent good friends,” so we can all keep our fingers crossed for “HSM4: College Cabaret.”
  • The rest of this issue is dominated by a retrospective of the best people, babies, weddings, dresses, music, and just about any category that has enough content to fill two pages. Highlights include Sandra Bullock nabbing Woman of the Year — a title she has won from about a dozen other periodicals — Four Loko, Amber Portwood being put into the “Hall of Shame,” a picture of Sarah Palin semi-strangling a Caribou, and James Van Der Beek’s baby. I wonder what Pacey has to say about that. Basically, People is giving you a yearbook of your guilty pleasures, and it probably beats anything you got in high school.
  • Amongst all the chatter about the year’s events, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden’s wedding gets a special exclusive, because I’m guessing People paid the most money to get the pictures. Anyways, the union had some interesting treats, which include Reverend Run of RunDMC officiating the ceremony, and an elephant on the scene to bring the newly married couple good luck. Richie wore a dress inspired by the gown Grace Kelly wore during her wedding to the Prince of Monaco, but required a costume change for the reception because she couldn’t sit in it. Overall, I am sure it was a night that the elephant will never forget. [People]

  • In recent “I’m Bitter That Jake Chose Taylor Instead Of Me News,” it looks like Jake Gyllenhaal snubbed me once again, buying $100,000 dollars worth of gifts for his “girlfriend” without even sending me as much as a card. Jake is rumored to have gifted Taylor Swift a diamond bracelet, vintage guitar, and 21 pounds of deluxe coffee for the singer’s 21st birthday. What is it with coffee and these two? Is there some underlying fetish I’m missing?
  • Eva Longoria is supposedly pulling a Sandra Bullock and looking into having a baby on her own in the wake of her scandalous split from husband Tony Parker. Though there are rumors of the two reuniting, friends of Longoria say she is going “full-steam” with her divorce plans. These same rumored, but unnamed, friends also say Eva doesn’t want her break-up to stop her plans for starting a family. The actress is rumored to still be waiting for the right man, but is said to be willing to adopt or have a child on her own. I think the tabloids just love talking about imaginary babies.
  • Alleged man-eater Natalie Portman is said to be settling down with current boyfriend Ben Millepied. Friends believe the “Black Swan” choreographer is the perfect match because he’s more mature than many of Portman’s other exes. InTouch counts Gael Garcia Bernal, Jude Law, Zach Braff, and Andy Sandberg as some of Portman’s conquests. Looking at that list, I don’t think I would settle down either when I knew another Hollywood hottie would be waiting for me. But supposedly Natalie thinks the time has come to settle down and may even move back to New York to be with her man. I just really hope if they get married, she doesn’t take his last name. Mrs. Millipied is too much like Mrs. Millipede for my liking. Yuck! [InTouch]

  • Heidi Montag is in Life&Style with this year’s biggest revelation: “surgery made her look worse.” Well, that only took her a year to figure out. In this cover story, Montag shows off her extensive number of scars from her surgeries, from “the caterpillar-sized bald spots” on her scalp to the dark marks on her butt. Heidi is full of regret, saying she feels like a “Frankenstein” and that she has a hard time sleeping because her breast implants are so heavy. Overall, she feels that all the work brought only negativity into her world and she would reverse all if she could. Now if only she could have the same revelation about Spencer Pratt.
  • I know I told you that Eva and Tony were definitely donzo a few paragraphs ago, but Life&Style disagrees. The mag recounts the couple’s second meeting after Parker “sexting” scandal became public. Allegedly, the pair were acting like old times and seemed very close as Tony tried to convince Eva that his relationship with Erin Barry didn’t go beyond text messages. Some are starting to think that the two may reconcile like many celeb couples, but others still have their doubts saying that they are both kind people who are trying to make their divorce as civil as possible. I suppose we just have to sit here and wait it out or not care.
  • L&S has the inside scoop on a three-year-old story on what caused Kate Middleton and Prince William’s 2007 split. Insiders say that Kate started getting jealous and stopped being as understanding of William’s lifestyle. Middleton supposedly was angry that her boyfriend was always surrounded by his beautiful exes, because they all ran in the same social circles. Sources say that Kate started calling Will all the time demanding to know where he was every minute. The constant pressure got to be too much for the Prince and he called off the romance. But as we all know that is history; the two got together again a few months later and are now planning a royal wedding, which shouldn’t be news unless you have been living in the arctic circle for the past few weeks. [Life & Style]

  • David Arquette is having his midlife crisis in the public eye, which is only making matters worst. Us Weekly was observant enough to notice that he almost always has a drink in hand and a girl nearby. The actor himself told Howard Stern that he believed he was having a breakdown after his separation from wife Courteney Cox. David later went on Twitter to say he was joking and that he is seeing a psychiatrist every week. Arquette also said he was going to quit drinking after he got so sloshed at Adam Sandler’s holiday party that he couldn’t recognize Tom Cruise. Now, there is a reason to quit drinking
  • Shania Twain has found a happy ending to a sucky situation. In 2008 her 14-year marriage ended when her husband, Robert “Mutt” Lange, left her for Twain’s best friend Marie-Anne Thiebaud. Understandably struck hard by the announcement, Shania turned to someone who could understand what she was going through, Marie-Anne’s husband Frederic. This bond of consoling each other turned into romance and now the pair is engaged. Frederic proposed in Switzerland about two months ago, after surprising Shania with one of their many romantic trips over the past couple years. Insiders say the wedding should be soon. Though I expect their first dance won’t be to “You’re Still The One.”
  • Us Weekly has all their fingers pointing at Scarlett Johansson as decision-maker in her and husband Ryan Reynolds’ separation. Friends of the actor say “he is very hurt” because he wanted to work on their relationship, but Scarlett was supposedly “disconnected,” “unaffected,” and certain they should split. Insiders believe that problems came from the distance that separated the pair since their marriage. Both have been working on multiple projects in different parts of the country and communication broke down. A friend told the mag the two went from talking every day to only a few times every two weeks. Many, especially those on the Reynolds side, are blaming Scarlett for not being mature enough for Ryan and not having the emotional experience to deal with a married relationship. All of those people also probably want to be in Ryan’s pants. [Us Weekly]