On the heels of my dating resolutions list, I’m also thinking about the types of guys I’ve dated this year — the ones I’ve had fun with, the ones who’ve hurt my feelings, the ones who’ve wasted my time, the ones with whom the timing was just wrong. My girlfriends have also been through a bounty of man types and shared some of their best and worst. Some we would date again and some, well, we wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole. 1. The “All Of The Above, But Not Really” Guy: This fella says on his online dating profile that he’s looking for a long-term relationship, but then tells you he’s not actually looking for something serious. It’s a valid point that maybe he’s just not interested in YOU, but regardless, it’s an easily dismantled excuse. Really, I think this guy says he’s interested in a long-term relationship because it widens his pool of potential casual sex partners. False advertising works.
2. The First Date Switcheroo: This guy tries to stick it in your butt the first time you have sex. This is really almost laughable except for the risk of hemorrhoids. Guys, may I suggest you wait until at least date number five? We still might not be into it, but we’ll respect you more.
3. The Bill Itemizer: I am begrudgingly OK with going dutch on a date. These are tough economic times, after all. But the guy who itemizes what each of you ordered on his stupid f**king iPhone calculator and then says “OK, you owe $34.67 and I owe $28.53″ deserves a fork in the eye.
4. The “Oops, I Have A Baby On The Way” Guy: A girlfriend of mine dated not one, not two, but three dudes who waited until a month into dating to let her know that they had a kid on the way. That’s, like, a within-the-first-30-minutes-of-date-number-one reveal.
5. The Stuck-On-The-Ex Guy: He’s not over his ex, but he’s keeping you on the back burner. He’s uber-non committal about making future plans and might even be reluctant to bring you to bed because his emotions are all caught up in her. A fellow Frisky staffer told me, “I once went on a second date with a guy and, randomly, his ex-girlfriend passed us by on the sidewalk and he physically tried to hide me behind a pole. It was soooo rude. Seriously, men, don’t put yourself on the market if you’re not ready yet.” Co-sign.
6. The “You’re Amazing and I Want You to Come Home With Me” Guy: This slick Rick lays on the charm super heavy the first time you meet, and thinks that that’s the key to getting you to go home with him. Know that if you do, you will more than likely NEVER see this bozo again. Which could be a good thing.
7. The One Who Got Away: Yo, he got away. Deal. It’s never gonna be the way it was. Moving on!
8. Various Emotional Cripples: See here.
9. The Guy Who’s Not Quite Divorced/Available Yet: He’s been separated from his wife for a year and a half! He lives with his ex-girlfriend, but, he swears, he’s moving out as soon as he has a little extra money! What. Ever. Until their previous ties have been cut (or, in the case of divorce, all the paperwork has been submitted and a legal split is imminent), put ‘em on your “do not date” list.
10. The Super-Insecure Guy Who Maybe Caught On To The Fact That You’re Too Good For Him: This guy keeps asking why you like him, whether you find him attractive and what things specifically drew you to him in the first place. Basically, he is a 14-year-old girl. And when you do answer his questions, he either doesn’t seem satisfied with your answer or wants to know in more detail. You know you’re awesome, why not find a dude who knows he’s awesome as well?