As a person who considers herself fairly sexually experimental and experienced, I thought by my the time I turned 28, with plenty of boyfriends and partners under my belt, I’d be deep into the wild world of sex toys. Not the case. While I’d always had great sex, I’m embarrassed to confess that I’m a sex toy virgin.
It’s not that sex toys don’t interest me; they totally do. But I’ve just never really gotten around to using them.
I know lots of ladies use vibrators to masturbate. I’m not against that, but it just doesn’t do it for me. What excites me is the idea of using a sex toy with a partner. I have tried to make that happen in the past. But it seems like every time I’ve brought it up to my boyfriends or sex partners, they’ve smiled and nodded in a “we’ll try that another time” kind of way. But that time has never come.
Until recently at a friend’s bridal shower. The entertainment for the night was some über enthusiastic woman from New Jersey throwing a “Tupperware party.” For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s a party where sex toys and other bedroom accoutrements are sold discreetly to groups of women. I listened carefully as Kristi (she made a point of telling us how she spelled it) presented her line of naughty items.
“And this one is for couples! It’s our most popular.” Kristi giggled and licked her ultra glossy lips. “It’s called the bull rider.”
The girls all looked around at each other and practically gasped in unison, “I want that.”
I felt lame. Everyone in the room had obviously heard of the bull rider. Or maybe even tried it. It was a complicated blue contraption. Strangely shaped. Kind of looked like a big, blue pair of remote controlled plastic balls. It was billed as a magical cross between a vibrating c*#k ring and a clit stimulator that was somehow to be used mutually during intercourse.
I didn’t want to make my sex toy virginity too obvious. So I oohed and ahhed along with everyone. Why not? I decided to stop waiting for someone to take my sex toy virginity. I would buy the bull rider for my boyfriend and me and surprise him. I had no idea how it would work, but that’s OK. We would figure it out together. That was the whole point.
I showed up at Michael’s bursting with excitement. “I got a gift for you … for us,” I told him, plunking the giant blue balls on his kitchen table. He looked mortified.
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s the bull-rider. The most popular couples sex toy. Surprise!” I was so pleased with myself.
Michael clearly didn’t feel the same way. What came next, I was not expecting.
“We need to talk,” he said, trying to ignore the blue elephant in the room.
Yeah. Michael broke up with me.
The bull rider remained wrapped in plastic on his kitchen table, never to be seen or used (at least by me) again. I wanted to ask for it back. But what would have been the point?
I guess I’ll just have to wait for another guy to lose my sex toy virginity with.