Dear Wendy Updates: “Concerned Friend” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Concerned Friend” whose pal was obsessed with becoming pregnant, despite (or because of) recent medical issues that made it difficult to conceive. CF wondered how she could be the best friend to her pal during this time — whether she should be realistic with her or “feed into her hope that she’s pregnant.” After the jump, found out how both she and her friend are doing today.

Thank you so much for your advice. I did suggest therapy to my friend, but she was not open to it. She was not angry at me for suggesting it, but just didn’t think it would help her. She started to get over the initial shock of hearing that the odds were against her and began to relax. And now I am happy to report that she is pregnant! I guess what they say is true … sometimes it happens when you stop trying. I wanted to comment on something that was said a few times in the comments section … a few people believed that I should remind her that she has other options, like adoption. Now Wendy, I don’t know your opinion on this, but I think telling a woman who desperately wants to have a baby that she can adopt is extremely insensitive. It’s not as if you’re telling her something she doesn’t already know. I think you can file that suggestion under the heading “things people say that are well intentioned but actually quite tactless.” But maybe I’m making a fuss over nothing. What do you think?

Hmm, interesting question. I’m not sure there’s a “one answer fits all” rule here. Just because people “know” things — like, that they have options when it comes to having children — doesn’t mean they can’t use a gentle reminder or words of love and care from someone close to them about respecting their mental and physical health. Sometimes people get so hooked on a singular path toward reaching a goal, they do kind of forget that there are other options. The key to broaching the topic is to respect the type of relationship you have with the person in question. These kinds of conversations should be reserved for very close family or friends … and only when they feel like the time has really come to step in. And rather than say, “Hey, you know you can always adopt,” I’d suggest something more along the lines of: “I know you’ve wanted to conceive naturally for so long and it means so much to you, but maybe it’s time to start considering some other roads toward parenthood.” Readers, what do you think?

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”” title=””} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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