Congrats on that whole “hosting the Oscars” thing. We suppose it’s kind of a big deal, though probably not for you two, what with your mega-blockbusters, and nude scenes and simultaneous quadruple master’s programs. Still, hosting The Academy Awards can be a tricky proposition–it’s a slow-moving, oft long-running show of self-gratuitousness–THAT WE LOVE TO PIECES! So we’ve decided to offer some tips and tricks to make your Oscars the best they can be. James, capitalize on what you’re really good at: Multitasking and being hot.
Don’t try and re-enact the amputation scene from “127 Hours.” Or the masturbation scene. Just … skip that movie, OK? But if you wanted to, say, get really stoned with Anne Hathaway, a la “Pineapple Express,” well, that might be amusing.
Ditto, don’t do any weirdo performance art show within an art show within an art show kind of stuff, like you did on “General Hospital”.
And we know it’s a long show, but don’t fall asleep.
Anne, we know you spent much of your new movie “Love and Other Drugs” in the nude, but you know, it’s prime time: keep the clothes on. Also, keep the singing to a minimum. We know you’re going to WANT to do the singing thing–and sure, you can–buuuuuuuuut we’d rather you not.
It’s going to be a long night, so we’re hoping you guys do a lot of outfit changes. We like sparkles, and animal costumes, and role-playing. Just saying.
Overall, don’t be too cute. Nobody likes Oscars hosts that are too cute (see: Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin for reference). But do be self-effacing and by all means, keep the show moving.
Thanks! And good luck!