When my guy friend recently became single, I saw a lot more of him. In fact, we were hanging out a lot and while sober. Seriously. We would just talk and the conversation was easy. So easy I was beginning to wonder if he was trying hard to get in my pants. I mean, he’s basically everything on paper I would want and my mom would love him, too. When does that magic ever happen?! He is manly, handsome, smart, and a good listener, but shy. Nagging in the back of my brain every time we hung out was this voice that kept saying, “Land this guy, you dumb slut!”
After a dozen hangs in a month, we still hadn’t had naked time. He’d put his arm around me once while we were sitting on the sofa together, for no apparent reason, during a comfortable silence. And then my roommate walked in … did I miss my chance? I was too nervous to make the move because we’re such good friends—I don’t want to lose that. Plus, I’m a total bottom. Maybe he’s a bottom too and that’s what’s going on here? Maybe we both need some alcohol to get this party started? Maybe he’s still broken from his breakup? For weeks I had been trying to accurately assess the situation.
Then, last week, he told me he met a chick at a party and they’d been bumping uglies ever since. Wow. What?! I mean, great! That’s what friends do, they support you getting some … from other people. But between you and me—ouch! He was so cavalier, like either he was trying to make me jealous or it never occurred to him that I was a hot piece. There was only one way to solve this: see him and this lady together. That’s right, I wanted to rip off that band-aid.
So, I convinced him that we all should go out for a drink. When I walked in, from across the whole bar it was obvious. I could tell just by looking at them that he was trying to make me jealous.
Psych! It was super apparent to anyone within 100 feet that he was butt crazy for her. He never ever looked at me the way he was looking at her. They were at the barely busy bar standing so close they could have been slow dancing, with giant stupid new relationship smiles, talking about nothing as if it was diamonds and pearls, and sipping drinks slowly while looking into each other’s eyes. It was so friggin’ cute. He wasn’t too reserved to be sexy—he and I just had no sexual chemistry.
I was trying to retrofit my list of man qualities on this guy, but my list had completely forgotten the most important part: gravity-pulling, giggle-inducing, mind-mushing sexual attraction. He and his new lady were clearly doing all those things for each other.
Click! Like that, I realized I was being ridiculous. I realized that if you even have time to wonder if you and some guy are meant to be, it’s already over. Love isn’t rational, and sex sure doesn’t hold up to reason—I still can’t explain why I boned that yuppie. When the feeling is mutual, it’s an irresistible force of nature you cannot resist. There’s no time to ponder details, not to mention all your brain can do is go, “Huminah-huminah.” Over-thinking it doesn’t make you two a match.
Also, this girl was clearly adorable. I totally see what he sees in her. Sure, I spent the next hour secretly kicking myself for all the time and energy I had wasted considering his and my potential when theirs was staring me in the face. But on the upside, man am I glad I didn’t try to throw myself at him. Friendship crisis averted.