Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Did You Hear That There Is Going To Be A Royal Wedding Soon?

So, as you might have guessed, the tabloids are going cuckoo bananas over that fact that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged and have set a date for the royal wedding. Since the big day isn’t until April, that gives the gossip mags months to speculate about the details. And from what I can tell, they are going to use every single day of it. Somehow, I managed to sift through all the Princess Diana comparisons and engagement ring talk to find some other celebrity “news.” But let’s just say you should plan to be in wedding mode for the next couple of months.

  • Just because “Dancing With The Stars” came to a close last night doesn’t mean that Us Weekly is done milking it for drama. The mag sent out its best research scouts to find out exactly who voted Bristol Palin into the top three. I don’t think you will be surprised when I tell you it is Tea Party and Sarah Palin fanatics that have been casting the votes. Us found several conservative sites that encouraged visitors to not only vote for Bristol, but to create fake email accounts to send in some extra tallies. The sites proclaimed that a victory for lil’ Palin shows the strength of the Tea Party. That’s some pretty strong tea.
  • It should be hammered into you brain by now that Kate Middleton and Prince William are getting married, and Ushas all the details. In a 10 page spread, the mag breaks down what life is going to be like for the future princess, including perks, protocol, and presentation. Kate, who apparently wants to go by Catherine now, must keep her dresses and skirts below the knee, especially when “kneeling down to children or standing over a hospital bed.” An insider disclosed that, as early as three years ago, Kate has been shown footage of Diana as princess in order to prepare her for how to act in public. I guess she is a well-trained royal machine by now.
  • Look it! Someone else is getting married and you should at least pretend to care. Nicole Richie is said to be ready for her December wedding to Joel Madden. According to insiders, the reformed socialite is relaxed and excited for the nuptials to go down. Richie is also buffing up by hitting the gym almost everyday. Her other secret for getting fit? Sipping on organic veggie juices. No gin included. [Us Weekly]

  • Samantha Ronson and Christina Aguilera dating rumors are so last month! Now the singer is said to be entering the danger zone with a “Bad News Beau,” production assistant Matthew Rutler. The two supposedly met on the set of “Burlesque,” and are starting to get hot and heavy now that Christina is separated. The bad news part is Rutler’s reputation. He is said to be quite the ladies man and is just looking to use Aguilera as a way to stay at her Beverly Hills mansion and hob-knob with Hollywood big shots. I feel like every supposed “new beau” who’s a nobody gets the same story these days.
  • Sandra Bullock is supposedly increasing her brood. Star is certain that the actress is looking to adopt again, and has the details to back it up. According to the mag, Bullock is planning to use the same New Orleans agency that she adopted son Louis through, but this time is looking for a girl. Sandra apparently even has a name picked out—Helga. An insider shares that name is meant to honor Sandra’s mother, who passed away over decade ago. Bullock hopes the name will help give her and her daughter the same close bond that she had with her mom. This all of the sudden became very psychoanalytical.
  • Well, someone fell asleep on the job and forgot to write the articles that were supposed to fill the back pages of Star this week, because a good part of the mag is just pictures of celebs’ “Beauty and Body Bloopers.” For a tabloid that is always going on about how stars are just like us, they sure can get critical when a celebrity accidentally trips or shows a little cellulite. While I admit some of the pictures are comical, do you know what I didn’t need to see? A close-up of Mischa Barton’s mouth sore! Come on, guys. Hold on to the little class you have left. [Star]

  • Pink recently confirmed her pregnancy, though Jillian Barberie did most of the secret spilling for her. Along with an announcement, the singer also shared that she kept the news to herself because she was afraid of having a miscarriage, which she has experienced in the past. Now that the news is officially out, Pink is learning how to cook to prepare for the baby. One thing that Pink might not be prepared for? A baby girl just like her. The singer said that if she ends up with a daughter that has a wild streak, then one of them will end of in jail. Haha?
  • Though there was some confusion on my part last week, it turns out that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are divorcing over Parker’s sexting with a former teammate’s wife. But of course it gets worse, especially now that we are in the age of Tiger Woods and Jesse James. Rumors are circulating that Tony was also a frequent strip club visitor, going to his favorite San Antonio establishment “The Palace” constantly behind Eva’s back. Tony is also accused of getting a little too cozy with a certain stripper that looks a lot like Longoria, even going out his way to buy her gifts. Hopefully this isn’t going to lead to another parade of questionable ladies, but I heard the famous mistresses tour still has a few open spots.
  • Taylor Swift is being called out for violating the “sisters before misters” rule of dating. The singer is supposedly always dumping friends to see her new man Jake Gyllenhaal. Sources are even going as far to say that Jakey is the only person she ever sees, even skipping the CMA after parties to hang out with her hunk instead. Now, usually I would have something negative to say about this, but my overwhelming Jake bias is preventing me from being critical. [InTouch]

  • So, when you ignore the Kate Middleton cover story—which I am—People doesn’t have too much to offer this week. You know how I can tell? Because they dragged out Jodie Sweetin. I have nothing against the former “Full House” star and know that she has been through a lot, but it seems that whenever People needs to fill space, we get an update on her life. In the latest Sweetin news, Jodie just had her second child, Beatrix. While everything is great now, Sweetin had a scary pregnancy. Soon after her C-section, Jodie began to feel faint and went back to the hospital, where doctors soon discovered she was bleeding internally. After surgery and several transfusions Sweetin was on the mend, but even doctors admitted that it was a close call. Now you are filled in, until next time.
  • Singer Chynna Phillips opened up this issue about the panic attack that landed her in a treatment center for anxiety. Chynna says she was on plane about to take off when she was struck with a severe sense of fear that led her to de-board the plane. This event was the final straw after a rough year of challenges that sent Phillips over the edge and dedicated to finding help. Chynna explains that between leaving her kids for a 10 week tour, problems in her marriage to Billy Baldwin, and her sister Mackenzie’s announcement about their father’s sexual abuse, she was pushed past her breaking point. Today, after nine months of treatment, Phillips is happy to say that she has found that everything is falling back into place.
  • Emma Watson is all grown up, in case you haven’t heard. In my opinion, People is a little late to this story. The mag focuses on how Emma continues to prosper even as the “Harry Potter” movies draw to a close. Watson reveals her dedication to education, admitting that she would choose school over acting if ever forced to make that decision. Right now, Emma is enjoying life at Brown, playing filed hockey, and rooming with five other girls—including Demi Moore’s daughter Scout. So yeah, things are pretty normal on the Emma front and somehow that is news. [People]