Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend’s Ex Is Accusing Me Of Identity Theft”

It’s time again for “Shortcuts.” For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss identity theft, roommate drama, and taking a friendship off life support.

My boyfriend’s ex keeps hounding him with emails and forwards which include songs and vacation suggestions. Luckily, he does not respond. Unfortunately, I have reached my limit with this woman. I know you can’t force anyone to move on, so instead I may have entered her email into a few dating sites. Shortly thereafter, my boyfriend emails me asking me about identity theft. She must have contacted him and accused me of this. I am not trying to steal identity or log in as this girl. I just figured I would help the situation along by providing online dating emails and sites. Can I get in trouble for this? Again, I am not creating profiles or pretending I am my boyfriend’s ex. I used her email though. Please advise. — Frustrated NEW girlfriend

I have to admit: I really have no idea what you’re talking about, but whatever it is sounds pretty lame and even if it’s not illegal — again, I’m not sure what it is you’re doing and I’m no law expert anyway, so I can’t speak to that — it’s morally unwise. If your boyfriend isn’t responding to his ex’s email forwards, just drop it. Eventually, if you don’t feed the beast, she’ll look elsewhere for her food.

I’m currently approaching the end of my lease and have started looking for a place with my boyfriend and a close male friend, but my boyfriend is concerned about me living with another roommate again. He’s been my rock and my getaway place for the last nine months whilst I’ve been in my current house with a female and two male roommates. Although we all originally started off as friends living at a residential college together, I really don’t want anything to do with the guys after I move out. To say it’s been difficult is an understatement, plus I’m used to having a lot of personal space and doing things my own way. I’ve been at breaking point and I just want out but I don’t know whether to follow my boyfriend’s advice and ditch our other new roommate or not. I’m not quite ready to live with my boyfriend by ourselves yet, but as he puts it, he just wants me to be happy and in a healthy environment for once. Any advice on what to do? — Disgruntled Housemate

If you aren’t ready to live with your boyfriend “by yourself,” you aren’t ready to live with him, period. If you are ready to live with him, skip the potential roommate drama and make it just the two of you. If you need as much space as you can get, why crowd yourself with a third roomie?

My roommate, who also happens to be a good friend, has just started having sex with an old boyfriend of hers, whom she lost her virginity to about a year ago, and who cheated on her multiple times while they were together. He has time and again proven himself to be a pretty shady character — he drunkenly sexually assaulted a younger girl once, and even brought another girl back to our apartment (he had a key) when we were on a weekend trip. My roommate moved away for a few months to study abroad after they broke up, but for the past three months now, she has started to see this guy again- — getting coffee, dinner, or hanging out to see a movie — relatively innocent dealings, until last night’s sex (which I overheard). I, and many of our friends, have badmouthed him plenty in front of her, but have never told her what she can and can’t do. To make things worse, he is in a new relationship with someone I don’t know, and as late as last night, he came over here and cheated on his girlfriend by sleeping with my friend. I think that she justifies her behavior by thinking that she is unattached, so it’s not cheating on her part. I can’t help but have a strong feeling that this will end badly, and I don’t want to see her go through so much hurt again. Should I confront her, and tell her “I know it’s your life and you can do whatever you want, but I think you are making a big mistake by sleeping with X”? or should I just let her make her own mistakes? I don’t want to lose her as a friend by pushing her too far, but maybe she needs someone to sit her down and wake her up? — Worried Roommate

Just let her make her own mistakes. I know it’s hard, but it would be harder if she resented you for trying to interfere and it would be even worse if she totally shut you out. If this is a bad situation for her, she’ll figure it out soon enough and she’ll be glad you haven’t alienated yourself from her so she can still go to you for support.

I am starting to hate my best friend. When I met her she was bright, fun, independent and driven. We could talk all night about fashion, politics, travel, careers and life. But now I have no idea where the fun girl I loved went. She is now needy (as in calling every twenty minutes) and overly-clingy. She takes pride in screwing unemployment and has been on it for over two years (“They say you have to apply for jobs. So I do. I applied to be a Physics professor..No one at unemployment says you have to be qualified for the jobs you apply for!”) and acts like she is better than others. She lives on Facebook and is constantly using it to whine, beg for things, start fights with people, and fabricate stories that make her life seem more interesting. She delights in screwing people over, foisting chores off to others and then talking about what suckers they are. I can’t stand her anymore. She has turned into the kind of person I despise and I have pulled back as far as I can while still being in the friend category. I miss the girl she was but utterly loathe who she is now. What is the solution? Would a real friend tell her that they can’t stand her and that she has turned into a giant, lazy, self-pitying drain on society? Should I just pull the cord? This friendship is on life-support anyway. — BFF Hater

What would be the point of telling her you can’t stand her and she’s turned into a giant, lazy, self-pitying drain on society? That just sounds like some comment she’d make about someone on Facebook for attention or to start drama. Rise above her BS and pull the cord on this friendship before you become any more bitter.

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