17 Signs You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hoochie Mama

A couple weeks ago, I told you about the scientifically developed hand test to see if your ancestors were sluts. But what about you? Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s charming “You Might Be A Redneck” series? Well, I’m not a redneck. I’m a hussy. So, while I don’t know much about fixin’ up a truck or mullets (the non-ironic kind), I can help you, my Frisky peeps, figure out if your vag entertains more visitors than a theme park. Girl, you might be a hoochie mama if …

  1. You’ve slept with all the men whose numbers are in your phone — except “Dad.”
  2. You can’t sit down in any of your skirts without making butt-to-seat contact.

  3. After the typical weekend of partying, your vag looks like a rare roast beef sandwich.
  4. You turn around when you hear someone you pass by call out “ho” thinking they know you.
  5. The CDC would like to get a hold of your loveseat.
  6. You have to use WD-40 to get your legs to close.
  7. You’d describe your personal style as “walk of shame.”
  8. A Chilean Miner was found buried in your hoo-ha.
  9. If you could only take one thing to a desert island, it’d be lube.
  10. If your bed could talk, it would ask for a plastic cover.
  11. If your vag could talk, well, it still couldn’t because it has a peen blocking it.
  12. Your fave pair of jeans came with a built-in whale tail
  13. Your ideal vacation is visiting the “Jersey Shore” hot tub.
  14. You’ve had hundreds of pearl necklaces and none of them were from a jewelry store.
  15. All your pants have holes in the crotch. Not from wear — you cut them for easy access.
  16. More people would recognize you from the back view.
  17. You got carpal tunnel from giving hand jobs.